JD SLASH The Bus Trip An AU Stargate SG1 story
by Nessessitee
Summary: Two strangers meet on a bus and start the ride of their lives…..
1. Default Chapter

Rating: NC- 17- Slash (male/male relationship)
    Pairings: Jack Daniel
    Category: AU. Angst.
    Status: Complete
    Date: 30th October, 2000
    
    Disclaimer: This story is written for entertainment value only. I do not own the characters, nor will I derive money from this story.
    The characters portrayed within this story belong to the guys that own the Rights to StarGate... I am merely 'borrowing' them...
    Many thanks to Gekko and MGM for this. 

Author's Private Notes: Many thanks go to Michael Shanks and RDA who portray their characters so beautifully that - as a writer - I'm drawn to and compelled to write for these wonderful men. Slash stories based on characters no way reflect the thoughts of the author regarding the actor's private life nor should that be implied from this story. 

SUMMARY: Two strangers meet on a bus and start the ride of their lives..

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THE BUS TRIP  
by Nessessitee 

The first month.

*Day 1*

Today I noticed him. He's a local kid - obviously at University if his age and huge bag slung over his shoulder is anything to gauge it by. He looks young, too. I'd say around nineteen. Fresh faced, long, brown hair, little round glasses. He's often caught the bus I take to work in the mornings and I've seen him around before, but today..... Today I *noticed* him. 

*Day 2*

He's on the bus again. It's not very crowded so he's managed a seat a few rows from mine. I can see his brown hair shining in the early morning sunlight through the windows. His head's bowed, the long hair acting like a curtain between us, as he reads a book in his lap. I'm mildly disappointed that I don't get to see his face until he's about to get off the bus. He shakes his head back, the brown strands falling away from his upturned face now as he grips the straps of his bag in his hand and rises from his seat fluidly. The last I see of him is his head disappearing out of the door.

*Day 3*

Today, for some reason, the bus is full. I'm lucky and I have a seat. He's not so lucky and has to stand. I'm not disappointed when he moves past me. I see his long fingers are gripped around the straps of his burgeoning bag as he tries to shuffle down the bus, kicking the bag ahead of him with his knee as he kind of side-steps along the narrow aisle, his other hand gripping the chrome handle along the ceiling of the bus. I wonder what he's studying that requires such a full bag everyday. Soon the university looms in the distance and he must have alighted from the bus from a back door as I don't see him again. 

*Day 4* 

Today the kid got on but didn't look well. I find I'm concerned for him with this phantom friendship I've begun in my mind. He's sitting a few seats from me, his bag tucked between his ankles. He's hunched forward, elbows on knees, face in his hands. I wonder what is the matter, but I've no rights to ask. He's gone again soon and I start to wonder at this friendship I've fabricated. 

*Day 5*

He looks better today and that pleases me. Whatever it was yesterday is not affecting him today. He sits one seat up, on the other side of the bus. I'm afforded a good view of his profile. I can see the straight nose, the sharp definition of his small mouth in profile, his lips slightly parted. He presses the glasses back into place on his nose and digs out a book from the bag between his feet. I read the cover and it's something to do with Egypt. He reads fast! And he's noting. I realize there's a note pad on his thigh and a pen in his hand. 'Geek' . I immediately think the boy is a Geek! Long hair. Glasses. Noting on the bus. Typical Geek! 

So why am I so fascinated by him?

*Day 6*

Monday again. I realize I missed our brief encounter these past two days. I'm hopeful today. The seat beside me is empty. His stop comes up and he's the first on. /Next to me!/ I plead in my mind but he takes a seat further back. I find I'm disappointed but more so when on elderly man plants himself down beside me. Damn!

*Day 7*

The bus is full again and I'm forced to sit at the front. I hate it here where the window can reflect my image - and I can see who I really am. Sleek, 'military' man. Short cropped hair - dead giveaway, isn't it! My white shirt is clean and pressed. What's worse, I'm starting to look my age. I'm almost thirty I remind myself, give or take a few years. I absently note that he didn't get on and I think this is why I'm so antsy. Perhaps tomorrow....... I hope he's not sick!

*Day 8*

When the bus leaves his stop again and he doesn't get on for the second day running I find myself worried for his health. Stupid, eh? This kid doesn't even know I'm alive but here I am worried about him. I've got to get a life! I don't even know this kid but I'm already concerned for him. It's pure fabrication, I know that, but it eases the journey to work and who is it hurting? ...... I hope he's on tomorrow. 

*Day 9*

Good news. He's here! Even better news - the seat beside me is vacant. Here he comes! Oh, God! He's stopped and he twirls to drop the back on the floor beside my feet. I try not to be seen watching his butt ease into the seat beside me. YES! My mind races to a 1001 things I can say to start a conversation with him. He wriggles beside me and I realize it's to remove his jacket. I thought it was just me who was warm! He smiles briefly, as you do when you're intruding on someone's personal space and you're aware of it. He straightens up again. Hey! I wasn't complaining! His leg's touching mine but I'm not protesting! Keep it there, kid! I've no problem with your thigh against mine! None, at all! Hey! Where are you going? The very next stop he gets up so that an old lady can sit down. Oh man! A gentleman *and* a geek! I can sure pick them! The old woman smiles at me as she sits down and I know I only return a half-hearted one but, dammit, he was next to me and now he's somewhere behind me! Ah well. There's always tomorrow. 

*Day 10*

Friday again. Even before he gets on I'm wondering what he'll be wearing. Probably his faded denim jeans and a plaid shirt with a puffy jacket to top it off. The jacket manages to look one size too big for him and it's hard to tell if he's built or not. But his jaw is sharp, so I'm guessing he's not carrying much bulk. The bus pulls up and I find myself looking for him in the crowd. Dammit! I don't see him as I feel someone sit beside me. I hear a loud sneeze and I begin talking as I turn back towards them, saying ' Bless'. 

I complete my turn to the person sneezing beside me and I'm dumbstruck! I peer into two watery blue eyes, partially hidden behind two hands covering his face. Oh God! He blinks his eyes rapidly and starts to wipe his nose with the handkerchief in his hands. He presses his glasses back into position on his nose as he makes the final few swipes under his nose. 

"Allergies", he tells me, almost apologetically. I nod, because to be frank, I can't seem to talk. He looks away shyly and reaches for a book from his bag. I read the cover and it has something to do with Mayan cultures. We don't speak again but when he gets off the bus my thigh is still warm from where his was pressed against it - and I never even noticed it.

*Day 11*

This is bad! I found myself thinking about him yesterday as I sat on my back balcony, looking down at the garden behind the block of apartments I'm billeted in. I kept imagining him down there, walking amongst the roses and I wonder if they'd make his allergies play up. I vividly recall his soft, velvet voice tell me 'allergies'. I make a point not to look for him and not to even turn to see who sat beside me today. I've got to stop this imaged fantasy before it gets out of hand! I keep my head turned to the window and I watch the scenery pass by. I'm a bit surprised to see that, when we are pulling out from the bus stop he is walking down along the bus and he seems to be looking for someone through the windows. Our eyes meet briefly as the bus pulls away and I find I've caught my breath!

*Day 12*

Today I bring a book to distract myself. My self-imposed 'ban' yesterday made my head hurt and I found I was snappy all day! The fighting within my head had gotten on my nerves obviously and I was left with a head ache as well. Today I'll occupy my mind with thoughts about something else. I deliberately sit next to a beautiful woman, even though there were other available seats. We exchange smiles as I sit beside her. She leans to me and asks, in a low voice, for the time. I show her the watch on my arm and she nods. I read some more of my book. She asks me what I'm reading and I look up. She instantly smiles more. I start to wonder if she's gotten the wrong impression here. Yeah, sure there are completely empty seats all around us but I wanted to sit here so I could avoid the kid, baby, not to start chit-chat with you, so push off! 

She tells me her name, 'Sara', and I nod and say it's a nice name. She smiles and asks after mine. 

'Jonathan' I tell her. She nods and smiles and says it's a nice name, too. We have reached a sort of junction in the politeness now. Do were persevere? Which would give her way the wrong impression of me, or do I start to gently snob her now, by - perhaps - holding up my book a little more until she got the hint? 

The bus jerks as it lumbers along the road and I'm aware that people are standing in the aisles now, all seats around us are full. I'm vaguely aware of a body bumping into the back of my shoulder as I'm slightly twisted to speak to her Sara. The body hits again and I hear a soft, 'sorry'. I nod before I look up and when I do I'm staring into his blue eyes once more, looking down from where he was standing in the aisle. He's standing right beside me and I didn't even notice him! I'm proud of myself for all of a few minutes, then I realize that I haven't taken my gaze from him so my work is undone. Sara catches my book as it slips from my lap and I turn towards her at the same instant that the bus jolts again. I feel his thigh bash my shoulder again and I turn to see him watching me. Was he always watching me or did we just both look at each other at exactly the same time? I'll never know. The bus slows down at the Uni. stop and he bends to pick up his bag before shuffling off. I think I can remember to breath now!

Day *13*

It's a nicer day today. I've given up trying to pretend I'm not interested in him. He occupied my thoughts all day yesterday at work and he featured in my dreams last night. I was only trying to fool myself anyway. I find I don't like good weather days as it means a crowd on the bus. A few drops of rain and you can literally see the people scurrying for their cars - 'mustn't get a drip of rain on them', for crying out loud! That kind of mentality congests the roads and makes us all late for work! Then again, it makes the short trip with the kid last that little bit longer, I guess. I wonder what he'll be wearing today as we pull up at his stop. Brown. 

The kid's wearing a brown sweater. Not to bad a fit, but brown? He's a geek, I remind myself, just a cute looking one! I find that with each passing day I'm becoming more fascinated by him. What does he do? Does he have friends? Where does he live? Who does he live with? He is forced to stand again because the bus is full. I spend the ride staring at his neat butt, taking in the way the denim hugs the butt cheeks neatly. It's in full view as he stretches up to grip the chrome handle that runs along the ceiling. I suck in a deep breath, then I am suddenly aware of the woman beside me and I recognize her from the other day. Sara, wasn't it? 

"Hello again," she greets me. 

I think it's a good opening line and store it for future reference. I respond to her greeting and we engage in idle chit chat. I'm aware of all of his movements though. He's standing a few seats in front of me so exits from the front doors. As he's walking along the sidewalk I notice he's looking into the bus again. Our eyes meet and I've an incredible urge to jump of the bus and run after him. I don't really know why.

*Day 14* 

Sara and I talked until she got off the bus yesterday. Nice enough person, I tell myself, but I'm so not interested in her at the moment. At least, not *that* way. Last night I had another dream - that involved me, a bed and definitely _ not_ her! 

The object of my night's entertainment finally boards the bus now and looks around. I see his blue eyes scanning the people and I look away before he spots me. For some reason my heart's thumping in my chest like I'm some teenager with a crush. I swallow and realize how dry my throat has become. I hold my breath as he steps into the seat beside me, remaining standing as we lurch off so that he can take his bag off his shoulders. He sits finally, and shoots me a quick smile - one of 'don't I know you?' I want to talk but I have nothing to say. 

"Hello again," I say and hope it doesn't sound lame. 

"Hello."

I melt. His voice is like rich, smooth chocolate and I find I'm grinning stupidly at the mere sound of it. I'm about to say something - anything - just to keep the conversation going and to keep him looking at me. 

"Danny?"

We both look up and there's another geeky person standing in the aisle, gripping the pole for dear life as the bus careens around the corner sending everyone stumbling. Our geeky intruder almost falls into our laps but the kids stops him by jamming his hand into his stomach to hold him up. 

They talk together for the rest of the trip and he throws me a casual 'bye' as he gets up. I resent the intruder intruding and I watch as they get off together, still talking intensely. The blue eyes collide with mine once more and he smiles. 

//Dear God in Heaven! He is gorgeous!//

I am grateful to his friend for one thing - I now know his name. 'Danny'. 

*Day 15* 

At this stage I don't know who the bigger geek is. Me or the kid! 

He got on today and as the bus was pretty empty (yup, you guessed it! It was raining!) so he sits in the seat in front of mine and turns to talk to me. For some reason he finds it necessary to apologize for his friend yesterday - for almost falling into our laps. I told him that it was because he was standing facing forward and that you should always standing side on in a bus, to kinda 'ride' the bus, like a surfer rides a wave. And you grip the handle on the ceiling with each hand. 

He gave me a smile that didn't really say 'you're full of shit!' but it politely told me he wasn't too convinced by my theory. Someone sat in the seat beside him and so he had to turn around again. As he stood to get off he said his 'bye' and stepped out the front door. We both look for each other now as he walks along the path. He gives a smile and a small wave of his hand before looking embarrassed and ducking his head. I'm now starting to be convinced that he is one cute kid!

*Day 16*

Today Sara sat with me. We talked until Danny's stop then I watched as he stepped his way past us, his eyes looked angry somehow as he looked at Sara beside me. More wishful thinking, I suppose! I return my attention to the woman babbling beside me and smile to myself as I think //God help her future husband. He'll probably be talked to death!// 

*Day 17*

I didn't sleep well last night. Danny's look really got to me, opened a can of worms and made me really restless. My heart's thumping all around the joint - telling me it was a look of envy- of jealousy. My brain is telling me I'm a doofus! At this stage, I'm not sure which one I believe! 

This is stupid! It's whimsical, unrealistic and fanciful to believe he'd be interested in me, and that his look was one of jealousy because I was talking to someone else. I deliberately sit so that I encroach into the other half of the seat and people walk past me. As soon as I see him get on the bus I shift casually, dropping my foot to the floor. He takes the empty seat. At first we don't speak then I hear him suck in a breath beside me. I'm interested enough to turn to look at him. His mouth twitches instinctually into a smile. I smile and nod in response then he says, in his silky voice, "I'm Daniel, by the way."

I bite back a smile and almost kick myself for my smart-assed response. 

"Hello, Daniel Bytheway. I'm Jonathan O'Neill." 

Daniel's nose screws up as he laughs softly then he wets his lips. "Jackson." He said next and I honestly misunderstood him this time. 

"No, Jonathan," I repeat as our shoulders bump together throughout the ride. He laughs again and wipes his finger across his lips before looking up at me from under his lashes. 

"No, I'm .... Daniel Jackson." 

I laugh now at my own mistake. //God,// I cringe internally. //I'm so smooth!// I shake my head now as I chuckle some more. 

"Well, I'm still Jonathan O'Neill," I tell him casually. 

He chuckles and tilts his head back and the atmosphere between us is electric! Or am I the only one to feel that? 

We sit quietly for a while, both smirking whenever we look at each other. Then he announces, rather surprisingly actually, "You don't strike me as a Jonathan." 

I find that intriguing so ask him what he thought I'd be called. He shrugs nonchalantly and tells me, "you're from the military base, right?" 

I'm surprised by his astuteness and affirm that with a shrug-cum-nod. 

He shrugs again and says, "then I'd imagine something short and sharp. Something easily barked, because you military-types like to bark, don't you?" I note a teasing tone in his voice now and I actually wonder if he's aware of it or not.

"Some of us prefer to bite!" I deadpan but he laughs at me, nonetheless. 

Then he says, as he looks me right in the eyes, "John ....or ......Jack." 

When I look at him as if 'huh?' he repeats himself. I then say, doubtfully, "I strike you as a 'Jack'?" 

He nods then shrugs so I shrug. It's a good nick name. I've not had one before. He tells me to trust him on this as he's right into studying people. I ask him about that and he tells me he's an Anthropology Major at the local University. I shrug and nonchalantly tell him I'm an Airforce Captain and he, thankfully, laughs at my lame joke. We chit chat about nothing really and he soon gets off, leaving me with a 'see you tomorrow." 

'Daniel'. I'd never thought much of that name - until now. 

*Day 18*

He gets on the bus today and it is full. Standing beside me he grips the chrome runner on the ceiling of the bus and looks down at me, his blue eyes hooded with golden lashes as he smiles down. 

"Let's try your theory, Jack." 

I smirk. His groin is like inches from my face, so why wouldn't I smirk? And he can make the name Jack sound so goddamn sexy - even on a crowded bus! The bus bumps and jostles as we make our way across town to the University. It seems more than usual and he butts into me a few times, his thigh hitting my shoulder. We ignore the touches as we talk about his course of study. One particularly nasty thump shakes the bus violently, rattles the windows and shifts the fillings in everyone's mouth. 

At that moment Danny and I are talking and he stumbles forward - his groin slamming into the underside of my chin. He doubles over slightly, his hand finding rest on my shoulder to stop himself from toppling completely into my lap. Instantly I support him at the bend in his body with one hand and with the other I slam my palm against his stomach to hold him up. Nice soft pouch he's got under there! 

He grapples to regain his footing once more and his smile is gone, replaced by embarrassed silence and very red cheeks! By the sounds of all the embarrassed laughter and murmuring of apologies from the people in the bus behind us, I'd say he wasn't the only one to fall. 

I ask if he's okay, a little concerned that my hand slamming against his stomach as hard as it had might have hurt him a little, but he mutters that he's okay. When the driver sends back an apology to us all I look at Daniel and smile at him, hoping it will lessen the stricken look on his face. It was an accident! 

I start up conversation again and soon he's forgotten the incident. Well, at least I think he has. As he reaches between his legs to retrieve his back pack, he whispers to me - "Good theory, Jack!". I laugh spontaneously as he grins. I shrug. 

"Hey," I tell him, "it's only a theory!" 

He shakes his head and laughs as he gets off the bus. I watch his butt disappear through the door but I'm on the wrong side of the bus to watch him walk away. 

*Day 19* 

He settles in beside me and tucks his bag in between his ankles. 

"Hello." 

God, he has such a cute way of saying 'hello'. 

I respond with a casual "Hi". 

He fidgets a little, it seems he's avoiding eye contact. His ears are pink but it's not so cold today. If I didn't know better, I'd say he was nervous. 

"Glad I got a seat this time," he tells me without meeting my eyes. "I'm really sorry about yesterday!" I wait until he's finally looking my way before I shrug. 

"Wasn't your fault," I tell him then I add, " I think it was the start of a beautiful friendship for a lot of people actually!" 

I see the grin creep slowly across his bowed face then he looks up at me. He tells me it was still embarrassing. I'm totally captivated by this kid, I know that! So shy, so sweet! I'd like nothing more than to cup that chin and turn that face towards me and stare into those baby blue eyes as I lean in and whisper something - anything, it doesn't matter, but it must be whispered - just seconds before I kiss away that frown. I'd pull away slowly from him and look at those plump lips as he mouths the word - "Jack?" 

It was then I realized I was staring at the poor kid! Now that's what I'd call embarrassing! "Sorry!" 

I tell him I was thinking about something but I can hear that I'm a little breathless. The kid's suspicious, too - judging by that frown on his face. Wetting his lips he tells me he wants to apologize again. For crying out loud, it's not like he did it on purpose- which I tell him! He gives me a hesitant smile for a moment and I'm not sure why. 

"No," he tells me then ducks his face as he whispers, "not on purpose." My heart rates quicken and I'm compelled to push him. 

"Right, because if you had.." I shrug as nonchalantly as I possibly can and remember we're in a bus filled with people who can overhear us here. He doesn't say a word, but he eventually looks up at me, blinking wildly as he stares a moment before looking past me and out the window once more. 

We don't talk again until he gets off, and I watch him hitch his collar up against the rain. As he walks along the path he looks into the bus and our eyes meet. He doesn't look happy and I can't put my finger on why. It concerns me for the rest of the day.

*Day 20*

Today it's raining. Pouring. This is the kind of day they write about in children's rhymes. I find I'm waiting with baited breath as his stop approaches. I couldn't get him out of my mind last night. There's something about his eyes - the way they dart around as he speaks, almost like he's nervous or anxious to be holding the floor. But it's so damn cute too! Does he know that, or is he blissfully unaware that each time he looks at me - each time he smiles - I find my heart in my throat? 

I know enough about him to know that I want to know him better - but there's just no way he's gay! No way. Those eyes are gonna father some gorgeous kids one day - when he's a famous Anthropologist or something. I can picture her now - his beautiful wife. She'll be dark -exotic - Egyptian perhaps? The kid has a bent for Egypt - go figure! So I can see him in years to come, settling down in some place in Egypt with her and a brood of kids. 

His stop approaches and the person beside me gets off. Yes! A free seat next to me again! I'm suddenly disappointed though, as the seat is taken even before the doors open. I turn and Sara smiles at me. 

"Hello, Jonathan." She offers me a mint before putting one in her mouth and I'm partially surprised by her sudden appearance and the odd offering she's just made. Somewhere in the back of my mind I'm wondering if my breath offended her last time, but I absently pop the mint-tasting sweet into my mouth. I find myself not caring, actually. She's nice and all, and pretty - yeah, quite pretty actually - but not my type - if you know what I mean. Not yet, at least! She fidgets as she puts her mints into her pocket and I feel her knee brush against mine. Instinctually I move my leg away from hers. I look up and Danny's moving past me, bag in hand and a grim look on his face. I try to smile at him and he tries to nod in return. I like to think he's non-responsive because he'd come to enjoy our morning meeting as much as I have. Hard to tell with him though. I'm so struck by his intelligence- even with my brief encounters with him I already know that he's way smarter than me! I'm suddenly aware that Sara beside me is talking and I must be adding the right amount of grunts and nods to appear like I'm following a damn word she's saying but I'm not. I deliberately fidget and turn towards her more. She smiles but I know I've only done it so I can get *him* into my peripheral vision. It's all I've got of him today, thanks to her, and it's got to be enough to last me the weekend. 

The past four weeks have been fun - a little cat and mouse game fabricated in my mind but now I'm ready to take this to another level. I'm not even hoping that the kid's gonna return an eighth of what I really want from him, but he's interesting enough that even just a friendship from him is going to be valuable. He's a lot more in-depth than the guys on base and I think I could learn a lot from him. In return, I can only hope there's a few things I can teach him. 

Sara's still prattling on beside me but I think I've given up all pretense of listening now. Still I'm taken aback when she suddenly asks, "what are you doing tomorrow night?" I recall being dumb-struck actually. 

"Nothing," I tell her. God! Couldn't I have just said something - anything - but I wind myself up on a date! Great! I gained one thing from this though and that is that I'm a pretty easy pick up! Smiling to myself I 'will' the kid to offer me the same line! I almost dare him, double dare him, in fact. We pull out from the University and he's gotten off through the back doors so I don't see him at all. I'm suitably bummed for the rest of the day. 

*Day 21*

Sara was, surprisingly enough, a very nice person. Our date on Saturday night went well and we've tentatively booked again for next Saturday. Friends only! I told her 'tentatively' as I had someone I was trying to meet up with but our schedules were clashing. She nodded and accepted that excuse. 

It's bucketing it down out there and I have to run for the bus. Danny didn't make it. Pity. The bus was almost empty which also meant it was running early. He probably missed it. At least I hope that was why. I look forward to tomorrow. 

*Day 22* 

Great! Just great! Great way to start a day! I'm late. I curse and kick myself. I'm late and now I won't get to see Daniel because of, well, Daniel. I slept in but who could blame me? I was dreaming of him but the weird thing was it was just us two - talking. Nothing else. I relive every little tilt of his head. I could vividly recall the way his mouth moved as he spoke - even managed to capture his nose-crinkle which he does when he's smiling and talking at the same time. The scary thing was, we were talking - just talking - but that was enough for me! 

As I snatch up my car keys I decide to reassess my fantasy friendship with him. It's moved on - way on - but I can't do a damn thing about it now. I pass the bus when it's something like 5 stops from my home. I'm heading down the side street near his bus stop and I start a war in my head. Should I swing past and pick him up? I have to slow at the intersection anyway and I look, but I can see he's not there. Feeling more disappointment than I have the right to I move the car into gear and drive off. That's when I see him, the familiar puffy jacket, the same over-crammed bag. He is hunched over as he makes his way through the rain. 

I'm screaming at myself - what do I do? My feet don't bother to consult my brain when they suddenly slam on the brakes. 

I toot - dammit, I realize my hands are in cahoots with my feet now! I toot again and this time he looks up, squinting through the misty rain. He cautiously moves over to the car, brushing back the hood of his jacket as he bends to peer in at me. I lean across and wind down the window. He smiles when he recognizes me and that makes my heart soar! 

"Get in!" I tell him and he does. God, he looks good in my car! His hair is wet, stuck to his forehead, and a bead of water runs along his brow and drips down his temple. His glasses are steamed up and he removes them and wipes them against his top at the same time as he runs a hand through his hair, brushing it off his face. 

"Missed the bus," I explain myself and he smiles and tells me he did that yesterday. I'm relieved to hear he wasn't sick. I tell him that I was cutting through the side streets and didn't realize this was his street. He looks at moment then pushes more wet hair off his face. I watch a dew drop roll down his cheek and disappear against his jaw. He's so gorgeous he could be a model! He pushes the glasses back into place and coughs then sniffs. I ask if he's got a cold, as idle chit chat, but he looks at me with a kind of wariness as he says, "No. Allergies." I nod and I find I'm gripping the steering wheel too tightly. 

As we wait at the lights I see the bus pull in behind us a few cars back. I tell him I prefer this mode of transport better and he reveals that so does he. 

"It sure beats standing in the bus..." 

We laugh. Only just, I bet! My car is old and we have to keep wiping the frost from the windows. 

"Least you get a seat," I comment dryly. He looks in the back seat, seeing all my clutter and crap then he looks at me as he swings around to the front once more. 

"And still the best company in the whole place!" He smiles then ducks his face as I look at him. 

"I don't know that that's much of a compliment," I tell him with a smile in my voice. "I'm the *only* company!" 

He chuckles and looks back at me and I see it in his eyes - that was the whole point of what he said. I'm a little embarrassed that he will think that I think that he thinks.. oh, forget it! 

"Your course must be pretty work intensive," I comment idly, glancing at his bag beneath his feet. He looks at me as if asking for clarification. "Most 'U' kids I know get a day off - here or there." I shrug, hoping to sound somewhat knowledgeable. He seems to think about that a moment as a smile twitches at the corners of his mouth. 

"Well, so do I," he admits. "I've started to go in at the same time each day - to keep myself regular." I shrug. Sound's logical. 

"So you don't have lectures everyday?" I ask. He seems to be a little uncomfortable as he shrugs and shifts in his seat. 

"I use the time to study," he mumbles softly. I'm surprised by that.

"Why not just stay at home and study?" 

He shrugs, says nothing but, "I like going in in the mornings." I nod like I understand, but who would? I'd rather sleep in! 

"So you basically go in for the ambiance?" I reiterate. I know I'm teasing him a little as he blushes and fidgets to look out the window. I decide to back off. Maybe this kid is just lonely and being at university gives him a sense of belonging? Who knows! Thinking quickly, I try to find a topic to change the subject, but all I can think of is him and asking him more questions about .. him. 

"I'm in my final year," he tells me and when I turn to look at him, I see an earnestness in the blue eyes like he really needs me to believe that - to understand that. 

"You're a little ...young.." I begin but he fidgets again and sighs. 

"I started early.." It seemed like the worst confession in his life. I start to wonder what kind of childhood this kid had - graduating University when most others were starting? Must have been a social life killer! 

"Early? How old are you, kid?"

"Eighteen."

My groin twitches. He ducks his face and gives a soft laugh as he looks out his window and mutters, "like I said, I started early..."

For some stupid reason I twitch again. 

//Settle mind,// I tell myself, //he's discussing studying here, not studding!//

He shifts and his long legs occupy the small space not currently taken up by the huge bag. 

"Is there somewhere I can drop you?" I ask, cursing the last rise in the road that leads us to the University. "The Library?" 

I didn't mean it as a jibe but he seems uncomfortable now and says quickly, "Bus stop is fine."

I glance at him, wondering where I made him so uncomfortable. Perhaps it's the fact that my eyes keeps straying onto his limbs, clad in denim like they are... Has he seen that and is wondering if the man he's with at the moment is some kind of pervert? His legs shift again, sliding over each other as he sighs softly. My hands grip the steering wheel tightly. 

I choke. "It's raining..." I cough to clear my throat. "I can drop you anywhere.."

I pull up at the final set of lights and he turns to me now, his lips parted. "Sure?" I think I nod so he says, "The refectory.." 

"Huh?" I show my ignorance of the university term. 

"It's the cafeteria.." 

"So - not the library," I say as I nod. He shakes his head .

"I'm going to grab a coffee before tackling this lot," he tells me as he kicks the bag with the back of his heel. 

"So?" I slow the car down and ask, "Which way?" He tells me the way and all too soon he was getting out. He thanks me and I wave nonchalantly like it was no big deal. Yeah, right! With a heavier heart than I'd shown I drive off, leaving him walking away. Nice view in my *rear* view mirror!

*Day 23*

This morning I decide to drive in again. He's the biggest reason. If I can get him on his own again.... 

I drive to his street and toot when I see him huddled against the cold and rain. He's smiling when he gets in. 

"Damn rain!" he mutters as he pushes the hood of his jacket off his head again and sends sprays of water everywhere. 

"Here!" I say, holding my hand out to him as he tries to negotiate the bag into the small space at his feet. He frowns but hands over the bag, with a warning to be careful because it's heavy. I guess I'm trying to be macho and I grab it in one hand and lift it over the seats, dropping it onto the back bench-set. I turn quick enough to see he's been impressed. I shrug nonchalantly and tell him I lift heavier weights at the gym - which I do! He just nods and shifts his feet in his new found room down there. "So where to today?"

"Café." He smiles.

"Refectory, it is," I say, grinding the car into gear and taking off, turning to look behind us as I pull into the traffic. His face is near mine when he asks if I've time for a coffee. I turn to gaze into the pools of blue way too close to me at the moment. I'm surprised by the offer and it must show. He seems to add quickly that it's a 'thank you' for the rides. I check my watch but it's only to fool him. I don't have to be at work until 1100 hours today and it's barely 0800. 

I pull my most casual look and say, "Sure". God, he has the most amazing smile!!! 

He instructs me to park in the car park and even offers to pay, but I insist - after all, the kid's a student, for crying out loud! I feel a little out of place there, having barely made it through high school before being put into the Air Force by my zealot father. He gives me a sort of guided tour on our way through and he points out the lecture hall where he takes most of his lectures, his favorite place to soak up the sun, and his locker, which we pass by quickly. The Café's pretty empty at this time of day so we take the best seats, sitting in the corner, nearest the coffee pot! 

I didn't know it then, but that was when things started to change for me. I think it's where I'd say we really became 'friends'. Over 'nth' cups of coffees and a lot of laughter. I've come to know the man he *is* and I find that my fantasies of him actually ebb from this point. He has this fascination with Egypt, saying he wants to go there some day and settle down, just be amongst the mystery there. Being ignorant about these things I ask him what mysteries and he starts to tell me all about this theory that he was beginning to form - that the pyramids of Giza weren't merely built to house the dead Kings! 

I wonder, as I look at his expressive face, wide eyes and a smile that just won't fade from his lips.. well, I have to wonder - if this kid is all there? But by the end of the conversation I'm at least willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. Too soon my watch beeps and I have to leave him. He smiles and blushes, like he thinks he's monopolized me or bored me. I stand then lean onto the table and surprise myself when I ask - "what time do you finish today?" 

My legs are jello! I know I'm about to invite him on a date but I hope to sound casual enough that he doesn't see it that way. I want a chance to know where this 'could' go. He scratches the back of his ear with his thumb as he looks up and asks me why? I'm caught but I give a casual shrug. 

"Thought we could grab a pizza and some beer and discuss this some more.." He seems genuinely surprised.

"You're interested in it then?" He looks hopeful and delighted to have found an audience at last. I don't have the heart to tell him I'm interested in 'him' more than 'it'. So I just shrug again. 

"My afternoon's pretty flexible," he tells me and we agree that we'll meet back here at 5:45. As I leave a thought crosses my mind - Did he really have a lecture today at all, or did he come just to see me? That thought carries me through the day.

*

I'm late! I curse myself as I finally pull into the parking lot. It's a little after six when I enter the café. It's empty and my heart drops, then I notice the pile of books on the table we were at that morning, and his bag. Soon I see him shuffling back to the table with a white cup in his hand - more coffee! He sits down and collects up his pen once more as he rests his temple against his fist. He doesn't really look miffed that I'm late and I wonder if he's used to being stood up. I cross and soon he latches those baby blues onto me. My hear soars! His smile tells me that he's very happy to see me. I apologize as I sit down but he stands immediately, packing frantically like he's in a hurry to leave there or something. Maybe he's hungry, I tell myself! Books about anthropology and Egypt are tossed carelessly into the pack and he's slinging it over his shoulder before I can even reach my feet once more. I get the distinct impression that he's eager to leave and part of me begins to wonder again if he'd been there all day? As we amble back to the car I tell him we have two choices - Pizza bar or my place with take-away? He smiles a little shyly and tells me he trusts me so it's back to my place. 

*

It has to go down in my history as one of the best nights of my life! We sit around and talk - well, he talks and I listen. I'm struck over and over by how intelligent he is! He's passionate about his beliefs. He talks with his hands, fingers stretched as he tries to explain his theories of the pyramids. I want to say, 'nice theory, kid' but a) I don't understand a word of it and, b) if I did, I'm so cynical that I'd probably not buy it anyway!! But I can't tell him that. I listen to his satin soft voice, his stressed words, his whispered beliefs and I know - there and then - that this kid is worming his way into my concrete heart! Not just in my fantasies anymore.. now he's getting right in.... Right in! 

My heart rate quickens and I find breathing labors as I sit quietly and nod in all the right spots. I stop drinking beer because I'm sure it's going to cloud my thoughts and I'm fearful I might do something I'll later regret under it's influence. At one point he stops talking abruptly and smiles at me bashfully. 

"I'm boring you, aren't I?" 

I want to say, 'no kid, not possible!' but I just cringe a little and tell him I don't follow all of what he's saying. Let's face it I can't lie to him, he's obviously seen something in my eyes that told him he'd lost my attention - and I can't tell him I was fantasizing about him - could I? Well, could I? No, of course not! And I won't lie to him - that's no way to build a friendship... so, if that's the case and he came right out and just asked me about my feelings for him.. I'd have to tell him! Wouldn't I? God! If only he'd ask me! My head's spinning from thinking about him and it.. the 'it' that's never going to happen - only in my head! 

If he would just ask me.. I'd latch onto those pliable lips and never let go! But he won't. I know that now. I can see him in years to come. Married to that beautiful Egyptian woman, bringing up a truck load of little kids and not even remembering the man he met on the bus many years ago. 

He smiles at me as he suggest we talk about me now. Bad choice of topic, I tell him, but he insists. I hate talking about myself but I find, to my surprise, that I manage it for a few hours. Even as I drop him off back at his apartment I find we're still talking about me - my future plans. Probably still be in the military I tell him. He nods and says he wants to prove his theories. I tell him that's gotto take some balls to stand before Academia and sprout stuff like that. I don't know much about that sub-culture but I know that! He just gives me a shy smile as he tells me he's definitely got the balls for it! I resist the quip of 'I'd like to see that' and return his smile instead. He's gone with a wave of his hand and I find I'm really looking forward to the morning now! 

*Day 24*

Driving to his house this morning I relive last night. He's offered me nothing but friendship - I know that... Every word, every utterance from those lips did nothing to lead me on. His eyes - when darting around the room as he spoke, or intently staring at me while he listened - gave me no 'come on'. His demeanor, his shy laugh, his quiet confidence did nothing to lead me on ... but it all made me fall in love with him. 

I knew the minute I woke this morning that my phantom friendship with him was over. I was well and truly - head over heels - absolutely .. in love. I sat on the edge of my bed for a good ten minutes unable to move as I let that realization sink in...

I think back over the phantom friendship from the start, and now my unspoken love - I can't help but wonder if it's *all* a fabrication of my mind. 

But, as I see him waiting on the low wall in front of his apartment block, I know as sure as my heart is thudding in my throat, what I feel for him is *real*. 

As he reaches into the back to drop his bag on the seat I smell his shampoo, or whatever that is. It's like a forest - evergreens come to mind, but I don't pinpoint the smell (I'm not that good!). He shuffles and drops heavily into his seat then slams the creaking old car door shut. We look at each other and just smile. No greeting this morning.. just a genuine smile. I crunch the car into gear and wonder, as I pull out into the traffic, if I'll ever have the 'balls' to tell him how I feel. 

I know I'm quiet as we drive towards the university, but my head's spinning with my thoughts. He's given me no indication that my feelings are reciprocated so what happens now? Do I live with unrequited love? I can do that, so long as it means I got a real friendship out of it. 

He's telling me now he has a lecture in anthropology first up which he's not sure how he'll go in as he didn't sleep too well last night. I want to hope it's because of me - and I let myself pretend that for a moment - but I have no proof, of course. I offer him a ride home if he wants one. He tells me his last lectures at two-thirty so we decide not to bother. I'm a little disappointed but there's always tomorrow........

Onto the next part... One month later... 


	2. JD Slash The Bus Trip Part 2 AU SG1

Rating: NC- 17- Slash (male/male relationship)  
Pairings: Jack Daniel   
Category: AU. Angst. Graphic sexual Acts  
Status: Complete  
Date: 30th October, 2000  
Feedback: nessessitee@hotmail.com

THE BUS TRIP - Part 2  
by Nessessitee

***************

One month later

We've fallen into a little 'habit' already and I'm really liking it so far. I collect him and take him to Uni and sometimes I bring him home again. No real progress from 'just friends' but between you and me, football has never been so much fun! From the one (and only) game we've played, Daniel thinks I'm an 'aggressive' player.. I can't tell him I just enjoy tackling him to the ground every given moment! 

*

I collect him this morning as scheduled and he gets in looking bleary from a cold. I tease him about looking like shit and he laughs before blowing his nose, telling me he feels that way too. I tell him he should be home in bed, but he shrugs and mumbles something about a really important lecture.. or exam.. or something like that! 

Besides, he tells me, it's only allergies. I'm not convinced. His voice is thicker, raspier and his nose is red and snuffly. He's got a cold, I tell him. He denies it vehemently and we banter lightly before he gets out at Uni. I don't offer to pick him up and he doesn't expect it. I sometimes wonder if my feelings for him aren't cooling off a little but every time I think that, he smiles or gives me a look that has my heart fluttering like a teenager in love! He gets out, waves and heads off, while I remain watching the way his ass moves in his jeans.

//Oh yeah!// I tell myself.. //I'm *really* cooling off! Not!//

I study my feelings on my way to work. If anything, they've grown but they are a lot different now, too. I'm more comfortable around him than I can ever remember being with anyone, other than my brother- of course, but I grew up with him! 

Things between us (Danny and me.. I mean..) are just so comfortable. I'm relaxed around him and it's nice that some of the politeness is out of the way. We both, it seems, are comfortable enough to speak our mind with each other - of course, there's things in my mind that I feel I still can't share with him. It's not deceit - it's survival. 

I've chosen the friendship over 'nothing'... It's not heading that way with him so I'd rather settle for where it *is* heading. I've not had a 'close' friend really - in all my years with my company I never really had that. Now, in a few months, I've found a man who not only can I relate to but I find he interests me as well.. I might not understand all he says and he's starting to see that when it happens so he repeats what he's just said to me - in a little more 'lay-man' terms for me. I'm not stupid, and Danny doesn't give me the impression he thinks that I am, especially when he makes me talk about me and my job. If I start getting 'military' on him he gets a vague look in his eyes too, but I just repeat my sentences in 'lay-person' terms and he seems to catch on as well. 

We seem to compliment each other .... Go figure! 

There's talk on base that some of the military units are moving out. Thankfully mine doesn't seem likely to go, but I'm looking to lose Harrison from D Squad and we've known each other a few years now. That's going to be hard, but since meeting Daniel I've kinda pulled back from that group anyway. All they want to do is go to the pub after work and drink to oblivion. I don't need that at this point in my life. I'm not too sure what I need, but Daniel's a big part of it at the moment. What I'd give to have him to come home to.. to talk to .. just as a friend.. or .. a room.. mate... There's an idea! I'll keep that on the back burner!

*Next Day*

This morning is absolutely beautiful! Blue skies and warm (when you keep out of the wind, that is). From inside the car it feels like a perfect day out there. I pull up and see him trotting down the front steps towards me. He's wearing a plaid shirt tucked into his dark denim jeans. There's a hint of white t-shirt at the neck, too, which I notice as I watch him reach back and throw his bag onto the back seat. We greet each other with enthusiasm, both commenting on the lovely weather. He looks fantastic today - maybe it's because of the dream I had about him last night - his blue eyes, his sun-kissed hair - his *smile*. No trace of cold either - so maybe the Geek was right after all, it was allergies! I give him another sideways glance. No, it's definitely him looking gorgeous today.. not just a figment of my imagination. 

I casually tell him it's a sin to waste a day like this and he tilts his head and tells me that he's no sinner.... I'm thinking 'Oh, please! A face like that - it's a sin not to be sinful with a face like that! Carnal Sin - for crying out loud!!' but I shrug as nonchalantly as I can and suggest we take the long way to uni today. He candidly tells me he's not got a lecture until after lunch and I admit to not having my first meeting until after 11 - as it's barely 8 am yet we agree to go on a bit of a drive. 

He's a little quiet beside me and when I pull up at the next set of lights I turn to him and ask what's up? He shrugs and says that he's curious why, if neither of us have any where to be - why were we meeting up so damn early? I look at him a long moment and he's looking embarrassed. My heart leaps and I want to say something but the car behind me toots us and I have to drive off. When I look at him he's smiling, like he's still embarrassed. A month ago I'd have pushed him into telling me what's up but now we're at a place where I'm happy to leave him alone. I don't want to rock this boat. The kid's given me no indication that he's interested in me and so I try to keep things in perspective. 

Being a gay man (well, basically I am bi-sexual.. but bear with me on this point, okay?) I 'know' why I spoke to him that day all those months ago, but what would he be thinking? 

Would he automatically suspect I'm gay and think he's being 'picked up' ? Or would he see me as some 'slightly older' man who has struck up a casual conversation, now friendship, with him? If a woman sits next to another woman on the bus and starts talking, is it automatically assumed it's because they are gay? From my view point it's hard not to think everyone is seeing what's developing between us... but - quite logically - it probably looks quite innocent from the outside. And, sadly, it is... 

Sometimes I wonder if he's suspecting something though. I see it in the way he looks at me from under those damn golden lashes of his. Still, if he's okay enough with it not to challenge me on it, I'm not owning up first. 

We drive to the top of the lookout and both sit on the hood of my car, our knees drawn up under our chins and our arms wrapped around them as we talk. He tells me he's got exams soon so he has to really get working on his paper. I ask him what he wants to be when he grows up- so far we've discussed his theories and what he studies, but not his ambitions. He chuckles and ducks his face as he admits, with a little coy embarrassment, that he wants to be wealthy. 

I don't peg him for a materialistic sort and he agrees, but if he had money he'd be free to do the things he 'really' wanted to do. Like explore and discover new cultures. He tells me he can already speak 18 languages and he's attempting to learn a few more. I'm overwhelmed as I tease him into talking in a few of them. He smiled and rattles off French, German, Latin, Greek, Italian, Egyptian, Polish, Spanish, Catalan, and a lot more I don't recognize at all. I ask him what he said and he shrugs and tells me it was "how are you?" I smile. Cool, I tell him, he can teach me to say that in 18 languages. 

He laughs, so shyly as he looks around, not making eye contact. He's disarmingly charming, as one might say. My heart's in my throat again and I'm dying to touch him, but I can't. I ask him to say something else and he looks out across the view before us muttering, "Ik denk dat ik voor je aan het vallen ben, Jack."

It takes me a long time to get it and I ask what it means. He smiles and tells me it's Dutch for "It's a pleasure to have met you, Jack." 

I laugh and tell him I like the sound of that. He shrugs and smiles then turns to me and leans on one arm as he repeats it.. with a soft, silky voice. (Damn, is it me or does listening to another language, being uttered from delectable lips, just curl everyone's toes?). In a few more languages he says, 

"Ich glaube ich bin mich in dir am verlieben, Jack" 

"Je pense que je deviens tomber amoureux de toi, Jack." 

"Creo que me estoy colgando de tí, Jack"

"Crec que m'estic penjant de tu, Jack" 

"Minä taidan olla rakastumassa sinuun, Jack." 

"Jag tror att jag håller på attbli förälskad i dig, Jack" 

" Jeg tror jeg er ved at blive forelsket i dig, Jack" 

He stops suddenly, laughing softly as he ducks his face. I think he thinks he's showed off a bit, but he hasn't - I've been mesmerized listening to him. 

I tell him I like the last one (I don't tell him it's because it sounded a little like he said 'I dig Jack' which is something I could get used to!) and he tells me it's Danish. I ask what were the other ones and he rattles them off like a shopping list: Swedish, Finnish, Catalan, Spanish, French, German and Dutch -but not in that order!

Then he tells me his Grandfather, 'Nick' - he called him, is Dutch and is an explorer. I ask him if that's where he got the bug to dig up old stuff from and he laughs gently, telling me his parents were both archaeologists, and that, sadly, they died in an accident in the New York Museum of Natural History when he was only eight. So I figure it's a familial things - they all had a fascination for digging through dirt. He laughs again, so shyly, his face is tinged pink from the warm sun and his lips look moist as he's just swiped at them again with his little tongue. 

I decide we need to get moving or I might be tempted to reach across and kiss him. I'm serious here! The way I feel right now, I'm so mellow I could just do that too. He's got this softness about his eyes that I don't recognize but to be honest, I can't even be sure it's really there. It's probably just me! 

I roll off the hood of my car and I tell him he can drive next if he wants. He confesses that he doesn't know how to drive. I'm surprised but he explains that he had no one to teach him. I toss him my keys and tell him to take the wheel. He's sure he's going to kill us, but I'm confident that he won't.

We play hooky, the two of us, and we spend the rest of the day in the pursuit of knowledge. Danny learns the basics for driving my car and I'm able to say "It's a pleasure to have met you, Jack," in a few new languages. By the time we go back to his place we're both so damn happy that he automatically invites me up to his apartment. 

Daniel seems to make a lot of noise opening the front door and I wonder why until we actually get in there. There's a good looking boy, standing in the living room now, looking a little ruffled. Immediately I feel possessive of Daniel - even though I have absolutely no rights to - and wonder about the extent of this 'house-sharing'. 

My fears are laid to rest when a pretty girl, with long blond hair and a golden tan, exits a room still adjusting her top. Daniel shoots me a quick glance then goes over to his house-mate. He towers over the dark-skinned boy as he bows his head and the two good-looking men talk in hushed tones. I'm not introduced to him, but I do give a sort of acknowledging nod as his dark eyes cast in my direction during the conversation. While still talking and without looking, the boy raises his hand and slips it around the shoulders of the petite girl beside him, before saying one last thing to Daniel. Then he starts to look around - he's lifting cushions off the sofa, and moving items on the shelves. Daniel looks a little dismayed as he watches him search the room then, rolling his eyes, he finally goes over to a pot and pulls out a clump of keys, jangling them to get the other boy's attention. There's a grateful sigh from the youth and a pat on the shoulder for Daniel before he reaches back and grips the hand of the silent girlfriend. Passing us, they say nothing but he does give a faint smile. I'm watching him go - truth be known, I'm watching his 'butt' go (Oh god! What beast within me has my desires for Daniel released?) when I hear Daniel call after him, "You don't have to go...!"

He doesn't reply, just raises his hand in the air and waves it over his head. I hear Daniel's sigh as I watch the neat rump until the door shuts off my view. I turn and I notice a certain perplexed look in Daniel's eyes now and I wonder what the problem is - and if that look is aimed at me or him. 

"That was Justin," he tells me in a weary tone, "My house mate." I nod. It was obvious but he seems to be a little flustered by the encounter and gives an embarrassed smile as he tells me, "they want to be alone, I think." He dips his face and I'm suddenly unsure why he's so embarrassed. 

"Young love," I quip, my way of helping the conversation. Daniel snorts then looks up and I'm glad to see his smile again. 

"Yeah," he says then grins more. He starts to look around for something and I'm not sure what it is, so I just stand and watch him. He seems to find it under a sofa cushion, whatever it is, and then goes to the kitchen. I follow him and he asks "You ever been in love?" as he buries his head in the fridge. He pulls out two bottles and stands them on the counter. With his foot, he shuts the door as he listens to my response. 

"No.."

He faces me and a frown mars his gorgeous face. "Never?" 

I shrug then reach for the beer he's forgotten to hand over to me. I look up into his eyes and they seem to dart from my view. I wonder why and I begin to wonder what my confession has just revealed to him. 

A small smile, probably designed to soften the interrogation, plays on his lips now as he comments, "Never 'fallen' for anyone? Love at first sight stuff?" 

"You writing a paper on this?" I tease him and he blushes, just as I'd expect. 

But he laughs good-naturedly as he tells me, "no," most definitely. I watch his shy smile then grin to myself. He's just way too damn cute!

"Love at first sight, huh?" I pick up the conversation again. "Well, yeah, who doesn't? But it never seems to go far, never to the stage of 'falling for them', as you call it." Hell, that part's a lie, but he doesn't need to know that.

He nods like a kid of his age could understand this stuff! Because he doesn't interject with stories of his own I'm led to believe he hadn't 'fallen' yet either. With that cute nose of his always stuck in a book, was there any wonder why he hasn't?

Continuing our conversation as we head to the sofa, I comment casually, "I've had a few cases of 'extreme like' though.." He stops walking in front of me and turns to look over his shoulder at me now, a bemused smile wrinkles his face. 

"Extreme like?" He chuckles then moves to the sofa to sit down. I give a shrug. Hey, I had it now, but he'll never know!

"So, tell me, Danny boy," I say, settling myself into a deceptively uncomfortable arm chair, "You ever had a girlfriend?" 

I wanted to utilize this conversation, gleam what I could from it so I deliberately used the term Girlfriend and not lover or partner - they were too general.. too broad... 

"Yes."

The word stalls all my thoughts and I pull up faster than a horse on the edge of a canyon. "Wh... What?" 

He smiles and tilts his head slightly as he tells me, again, "yes, I've had a girlfriend. In fact," he adds with a certain glee, "she was an older woman!" He laughs now as he sees my dumb-struck face. 

I pull myself together quickly as I say, flippantly as I can, "Oh, a little Mrs. Robinson thing going on there?" 

He crinkles up his nose as he dips his face while he chuckles softly to himself. "Something like that," he says through a laughter-groan then he looks up at me - his blue eyes flashing and I'm suddenly breathless again! 

A silence grew around us quickly so I, in my usual briskness, I decide to end it sooner, rather than later. "So, we know you like your women older," I try to make it sound like a tease and it must as he blushes and looks down again, "how about your pizzas?" 

Daniel's face took on an earnest expression as he ponders that thought. "Fresh... and with the lot?" 

I nod and agree to that as well and while he's off placing the order I'm left to wonder about 'Mrs. Robinson'. 

I visualize her a lot older than him, in her thirties, a husband at home that doesn't understand her, and children! She'd have a body that defied her age, of course! How could they have met? Was she a family friend or a fellow student? And what did she teach him? My mind imagines him in bed with her, arms and legs entangled, on black satin sheets. She have some class, I decide, and lots of money. Maybe he helped tutor her daughter or son at Uni. and they met through that? When Daniel finally returns I see he has a soft drink in his hand now. He doesn't make a show of pushing his beer aside, but the fact that it stays there, all night untouched, tells me that I have no hope of ever getting him drunk and introducing him to 'another' form of love - or the prospect of an older 'man'. Maybe he's into weed instead, I tell myself as I drain my bottle dry. 

The night passes pleasantly enough but the whole revelation about him and his older woman has tainted it a little for me. When I look at him now, I can see him with a woman, kissing a woman and making love to a woman. My heart sinks just that little bit when I let myself realize that he doesn't see me that way at all!

*Next Day*

I pick him up as scheduled and as I drop him at the café he tells me he's got a lecture at 1 pm and another at three today. I tell him I can swing by at six and collect him if he wants? He's a little hesitant and I begin to wonder why, then he suddenly nods and smiles and tells me he'll meet me here at six. I watch him walk away again and wonder if he knows I'm perving at him, or if he did know, would he care? 

I have a meeting in the afternoon after lunch, it's a pretty regular occurrence. In fact, most of my day is taken up with meetings and training and work outs... 

On my way to this meeting, which is one of our regular Unit meetings, I run into Gustov in the corridor. He's been a friend of mine for many years now, but I hardly know the guy. Proves the point I was saying the other day. I *know* Daniel - I don't know any of these guys... I might trust them with my life, but not my thoughts, feelings or aspirations. Not sure I fully trust Danny with those yet either though, but he's a lot closer in a few months than these men in many years.

I tell Gustov that I learned a bit of his native tongue yesterday and he laughs at my attempt to repeat it for him (hey, I'm working from memory here, I don't think it's that bad!). I silently marvel at Daniel for a second. That kid knows 18 different languages and here's me having trouble recalling one lousy sentence in one different language. 

What I say, though, must be passable as when I finish Gustov gives me a devilish grin and nudges me with his beefy forearm, asking me who had said that to me. There's something in his leering tone that makes me curiously cautious, so all I tell him is is that it was just 'someone' I'd met on the bus. 

He grins again and nods and asks me if it was Sara. You see, I'd made the mistake of telling him and a few others about the date Sara and I had planned. That following Monday I put up with endless questions alluding to how 'well' I'd made out with her, but, like the true gentleman that I am, I told them nothing. Of course, that was because there was nothing to tell them, but they don't know that!

As we weave our way through the building Gustov is now telling me, through his goofy laugh, that I was one lucky dog! That I was 'in' there. In where? I suddenly realize that I've lost this conversation along the way, obviously! All Danny said was it was a pleasure to have met me...? I query him, asking him why he's being a dumb-ass and he laughs uproariously as he nudges me again. 

"You and this girl...." 

I'm frowning so much I'm sure I've created a dent between my eyebrows that will never fade away. 

"What about me and this girl?" I ask, my curiosity now at it's peak. He's leering a little as he asks me what I think it's meant to mean. Obviously, by the look on my face he's picked up that I'm lost in this conversation (Astute guy, this Gustov!). I tell him I was told it meant "it's a pleasure to have met you, Jack." 

We reach the door of the meeting room and Gustov shakes his head as his thick hand wrenches a door open. With a grin that just won't quit, he waves his hand out in a mock invitation for me to go first then he sits beside me and tells me that what I'd just said did NOT mean that at all. 

I'm suddenly unnerved to think that Daniel might have lied to me - or at least, played me for the fool. What the hell did this kid say to me, while I lay there, probably smiling at him like some idiot!! For a frightening moment, the mere thought of what it might mean makes the skin on my shoulders and up the back of my neck prickle uncomfortably. 

I realize I'm shaking a little now as I say, testily, "For crying out loud! Just tell me what it means!" 

The big oaf just opens his hands, lifting his palms to the ceiling as he shrugs - that stupid grin still there. Well, I'm glad he's finding this so damn funny - at my expense! I swear, I think I might hit him, really *hit* him, soon if he doesn't stop laughing and joking with me and tell me what the damn kid said! 

What the hell does that line, however you pronounce it now, mean? That I was some kind of idiot? That he secretly thought I was a lecherous old fool? Oh Christ! My whole 'safe little world' - built around him, is suddenly shaky. What the hell did Daniel say to me - in a language I was never meant to understand...?

"They say they are falling for you!" Gustov's voice comes filtering through my rage, slicing though my haze like a hot knife in butter. 

I say, "Huh?" and he chortles and nods and tells me, "told you it was good! Is she pretty?" He stops teasing me when he sees the look in my eyes. He grows serious and leans towards me as he tells me: 

"Okay, because I can see you're about to break me if I do not tell you straight, the *exact* thing she said to you was... 'I think I'm falling for you, Jack'." 

He concluded it with a huge shrug then a wicked grin and wink. 

/Falling for me?/ 

"What? Jog tror jig er ved at bive...?" I'm trying to recall how to pronounce it but my mind's suddenly gone blank. 

"No," he corrects me, "'Jeg tror jeg er ved at blive forelsket i dig, Jack'. It means, I think I'm falling for you, Jack." 

I seem to stumble to my feet as I make my way to the door. I turn and tell him to cover for me for the rest of the day. He laughs, waves his hand over his head and nods, sending me on my way. I'm gone. I'm outta there! 

*

I run to the car. Breathlessly I climb in, slamming it into gear before screaming out of the parking lot, spraying up gravel in my wake. I'm muttering the words over and over in my mind like it's some kind of mantra for me. 

Before I know it I'm at the Uni again and I leave the car in a Loading Zone. I'm only going to be a few minutes - I think! He said he had a lecture at 3 and it was almost that now! I try to locate the lecture hall from memory. On that first night when I came and met him here he gave me the short scenic tour, showing me such landmarks as the men's bathroom, the locker wall and his locker (which he refused to open when I was with him), the library and two of the main places he has his lectures. I'm taking pot luck here.

Blind luck (or was it the fickled hand of fate?) guided me to the right hall without letting me put one foot wrong. A small group remain outside the doors, socializing together so I slow down as I approach them and push through their group to go in. 

The room slants away from me like it does in any Lecture hall - an amphitheater around the stage where the lecturer stands- spouting all his wisdom to the eager young minds willing to listen. I hate them. Lecture halls, that is. 

I look around it quickly and I spot him, almost center, sitting alone. I shimmy along the row behind him which is - thankfully - empty. He's preoccupied with his text books, noting frantically and referring to more than one text book at the same time. I reach the spot behind him and I still haven't made up my mind how I'm going to do this. We are in public, after all! And I'm mindful of the fact that other language students might be around. 

So how do I do this? Do I fling myself over the chairs and sit, oh-so-casually beside him? Nah, I'd trip and roll down the next few rows, making a total ass of myself. Do I reach over, slamming my hand onto his text books and demanding his attention? No, too stupid and too loud. Sure to draw attention to us! 

He's not even aware I'm behind him, his hand glides over the page, leaving behind a trail of near-perfect handwriting. He looks up now and sees the lecturer has entered the room down there, and that the lecture is due to start soon. I know my time is short now! I lean over and whisper, very quietly in his ear;

"Jeg tror jeg er ved at blive forelsket i dig, Daniel." 

He's startled and he snaps his face around to look at me. It takes a moment then he settles into a smile and he asks me, casually, what I'm doing there. The lecturer coughs and bows his head - he's about to start the lecture so I give Daniel a 'look' and leave the hall. 

I leave him, I'm sure, scurrying to fill his bag because in almost the same time it takes for me to get out of there, he's out of there too, bag clutched feverishly to his chest, books spilling through the unclosed zipper. His eyes are wide, and his hair is ruffled while his glasses perch precariously on the tip of his nose as he stares at me over the top rim of them. He mutters my name curiously -softly - and when I look directly into his eyes I can see he sees the truth in them for the first time. 

"Jack?" he asks again, this time a little nervousness creeps into his otherwise soft, silky voice. I say nothing but the way his eyes widen just that little bit more, and his mouth drops down just that extra fraction, he's made the truth - he knows that 'I know' I didn't just tell him it was a pleasure to have met him. 

He coughs softly and takes a very small step back. Military training's taught me the signs; he's ready for flight! I know I have to stop him before he does! 

I draw back a breath and tell him, in a quiet voice that's designed not to startle him or to make him anymore nervous than he already is, "I was talking to a guy at work today, and he translated 'Jeg tror jeg er ved at blive forelsket i dig, Jack' for me, Daniel.. and-" 

I watch cautiously as his eyes grow wider. He's not sure if I'm angry or not, I can tell that already. He's not sure *what* I'm feeling and I must say, in my attempt to keep the rising glee from my tone, I might sound a little menacing. 

"Oh.. god.." He groans and steps back a fraction again, his face growing pale. I swallow nervously. Christ, I hate that I see fear in his eyes. I try to reach out to touch his arm - just in a friendly way - but he flinches from me. My stomach flips, I'm sure he's about to run now so I lunge forward, gripping him by the upper arm securely. He looks from the hold back up to my eyes and I can read it in his eyes - he's hoping I'll remember that we were once friends...

I lead him from the doorway where people are trying to push pass us. Damn, why does it have to be so public here! Why can't these people go into their damn lectures and leave us on our own to work this through! There's no way I'd make it back to my car dragging him like this, and I don't think he'd listen to some hasty words at the moment. So, instead, I lead him to the furthermost corner from the crowd and I hope it's far enough away to afford us some privacy. 

I tilt my head and I look at him - I don't say anything because I don't know what to say... here.. in public like this. By the clenching of his jaw, I'd say the kid's terrified of me at this point. I'm not surprised. I've proved to him on more than one occasion that I'm stronger than he is, and that was when we were being 'friendly'. If he thinks I'm upset with him, what the hell must be racing through his mind right now? Poor kid!

A group of loud students, obviously running late for the lecture, rush up the stairs and glance at us - without judgment in their eyes - but they don't stop in their haste to reach the room before missing out on too much of the lecture. 

I watch them go and then I look back at Daniel, whom I'm still holding by the upper arm and who is still clutching his over-flowing bag to his chest like it's some kind of damn shield. I have to admit, he's staring at me like he's a deer caught in my headlights right at this moment. 

I take a step towards him and hate that he flinches again. I'm still a respectable distance, even though I have a grasp on him, but perhaps all he sees is the movement forward because he flinches and slams his eyes shut, obviously waiting for the strike. 

I decide not to encroach on him further, instead I lean in to whisper, "Jeg tror jeg er ved at blive forelsket i dig, Daniel. " 

His head jerks up and he stares at me again, with eyes so large and so disbelieving. Christ, I just want to take him into my arms and hold him, tell him it's okay, that I feel it too.... but not *here*.. not with that small group still by the stairwell over there! 

I try to smile to convey my feelings to him, but perhaps it looks more like a grimace because I'm so frustrated with the situation at the moment. He's frowning a little now, and I'm noticing some curiosity in his eyes. I feel myself smile more, and I know it looks more like a smile now as I add, "big time!" 

//Please, let him understand this! Let that genius brain of his finally grasp my last straw. //

His mouth drops open again, his hands are gripping the bag in front of him furiously and I can see his breathing has deepened. He looks around us fretfully, but I know no one is within ear shot - or I wouldn't have said it! I smile as he looks back at me. Slowly, quizzically, he tilts his head as his tongue grows restless behind those slightly parted lips, then he swipes his bottom lip as he blinks at me. I smile even more and a twitch of an uncertain smile flitters on his lips for a second before dissolving once more. 

"You gonna say something?" I finally ask, my voice, I note, is raspy from suppressed emotions. He blinks as if waking from a trance, and I see his breathing kick in again as he takes his first breath for a few seconds, it seems. He jerkily shakes his head and I can't help but laugh at that response. By the way he's still nervously clutching at his bag to his chest I start to realize that we probably both wish we were somewhere else right about now. 

I finally swallow down my residual nervousness as I suggest, as coolly as I can, that maybe we should get out of there. He nods, grips his bag tightly against his chest as he stumbles along behind him to the car. We do not speak. 

* 

I'm terrified as we approach my apartment. So's the kid, if the bag still clasped to his chest is any gauge. It must be some kind of security blanket for him - or, perhaps, a shield. I let him in then deliberately turn to close the door. As I swivel back around I'm about to say, "well, this is awkward!" but the kid glances at me in such a way that I'm silenced from any smart-assed comment.

As if trapped in slow motion I sense his hand going around my head, cupping me carefully, as he steps towards me in one smooth, fluid movement - his lips latching onto mine without fumble or fault. The sudden intake of breath I snagged before he closed the gap is the only reason my mouth is opened enough to accept his tongue as it slips past me. I am numb in the surprise of the unexpected, tender kiss. Daniel and I are kissing! I try to scream that to myself, in an effort to wake me from the daydream I seem to be in. 

The kid's tongue dances around mine, licking and teasing at it, tickling itself along the ridge of my hard palate and making me solid in my pants - and I'm standing there, unable to think, breath or act. It's not like me! I'm the one that instigates these things! I'm the one that wraps strong arms around my partner and pushes them against the door.. not him.. Oh god! 

But he's doing it! I'm backed against the door and I have no idea how I got here. I recall, dully, a sort of thud and I'm wondering now if it was the sound of my last brain-cells exploding. But as I feel a slightly heavy weight on the top of my foot I realize it was his bag finally hitting the dirt as he grips me strongly with his newly freed hand. My God, his tongue is relentless! He's making soft grunting noises as he presses against me. I can taste his urgency, feel his eagerness and understand his hunger. 

I feel his gentle hand cup my left ear as he twists and turns his face across mine, forcing our mouths further open to delve as deeply into me as he can. The image in my mind of how we would look won't leave me alone. This God-like youth entrapping me into submission as he works the kiss - softly, deeply, teasingly. 

I realize I'm over analyzing this!

I break the kiss for two reasons: one, I need air and two, I need to see his face, to know this is real, to have him see me - me- and know who he is kissing before we go any further with this. His blue eyes are heavy and hooded with desire and I just fill with an incredible urge to strip him and make love to him all afternoon. 

I cup his cheek with a trembling hand. His skin is flushed just enough to highlight his cheekbones and outline his faint golden stubble. A bubble arises in me and lodges itself in my throat, making breathing difficult. I slip his glasses off his face and find a place beside us to nestle them, keeping them safe. He looks at me again, his unshielded eyes look bluer than ever before. His chin lifts slightly, positioning his mouth in perfect line with mine, his parted lips offered up to me. His arms tighten across my back and we manage to pull even closer together. 

I stroke a quivering thumb across his cheek and he smiles contentedly at me as he jostles me within his arms for an even closer fit. This is so damn weird! But I can't resist those plump lips any further. I tilt my head slightly to close my mouth over his- again a perfect fit - and we both inhale a deep breath through our nose as our mouths open wider and our tongues clash inside. 

We're both eager this time; licking, kissing, nipping and sucking each others lips and tongue, taking it in turn to pleasure the other. He breaks the kiss with little pecks and gentle nips as he tells me, breathlessly, that he needs the bathroom. I nod and led him over there, my arm across his back, as we engage in more kisses. His head is tilted back over my shoulder and that long, delectable throat of his is arched. My hand plays over its smooth surface which makes him shiver and chuckle into my mouth as we kiss. It's a gorgeous sound! Reaching the door he turns to face me and we kiss, like two people saying goodbye forever - neither of us is willing to let go. 

He pulls back first again and he rubs his face against my cheek like a cat would. He's almost purring when he tells me he won't be long. 

"I'll be in the bedroom," I murmur and he immediately pulls back and stares at me. 

There's something in his eyes I can't recognize - I've never seen it before - but I wonder, suddenly, if I'm moving too fast for him. I watch his eyes search my face intently before they settle onto my gaze again. I'm about to ask him if I'm moving too fast when he smiles and tells me he'll be right out. He kisses me briefly then goes inside, shutting and locking the door behind him. I'm already lost without his warmth against my body, without his bulk within my arms. I want nothing more than to be skin against skin with him. I turn to my room and push on the door. I freeze!

The room is a tip! I hadn't noticed it before but I can't have him in here! I run around, throwing open my window to rid the dead-sock smell from the room. I yank off the bedding, refitting the fitted sheet and smoothing it out, then I fluff the cover and let it waft to the bed as I quickly drop to my knees and shove everything I can reach under the bed. 

I suddenly realize that that might not be such a good idea! That dirty jocks and socks under the bed might not add the right 'atmosphere' to the moment so I quickly scoop it all about again, racing to the wardrobe and tossing it all inside. Before I slam the door shut on the contents, and odor, I grab my deodorant and spray a more than liberal amount in there before locking the offending items away from view. 

I turn and accept that the room is passable. Not a lot I can do about the weeks of dust on the shelves in the time I have left, and I hope his allergies don't pick up on it. I reach over the bed, spraying the deodorant liberally again and I watch the little beads of moisture drift through the air, falling onto the bedding. I quickly spray myself before putting the pack down again. I stop and look around the room. Suddenly, I sneeze! 

Overkill! Oh god!! 

I hear the toilet flush and then the taps squeal as they are turned on, the water thumping within the old copper piping. I'm out of time and Danny's going to sneeze up a storm in this room. I quickly run to the door and start fanning it, watching the curtains at my window suck in then out and I thank the heavens for a little help in this matter. 

The bathroom door unlatches, opens and he steps out. I'm casually leaning against the door now, and I can do nothing but wait and watch his reaction. He slips himself into my arms without effort, like he already belongs there and I'm not objecting. I've known for a long time that he has!

He turns his face and sees my bedroom for the first time. It's nothing spectacular but he says, "nice. Good thing we came here and not my place. My room's a tip!" He looks at me and smiles as he jostles me against his chest more. I shrug nonchalantly then we grin. I'm not sure if he knows the farce I've just been through or he genuinely means it, I guess little nuances like that will come as I grow to know him more. 

He kisses me again - sweetly, tenderly - then he rubs his nose against the tip of mine as he tells me that's how Egyptian's kissed in the olden days. I tell him it's not as much fun as the way we do it now and he laughs in agreement before arching back within my arms to get a good look at me. 

I'm lost for something to say, so I ask him if he wants a drink of any kind. He shakes his head as he declines politely, the whole time he's watching his own hand glide up my arm and onto my shoulder. The blue orbs shift and settle onto me and we both smile again. We actually seem a little shy with each other. 

*

His finger traces down my cheek then across my lips - I'm conscious of them being dry so I wet them quickly. This brings a soft chuckle to his lips as he asks if he's ticked me. I shrug. Not really, but I'm not arguing the point with him. He pinches my chin lightly in his hand and tilts his hungry mouth so that it fits over mine once more, his tongue delving and exploring the far reaches of my mouth. 

We stumble together to the bed and I'm surprised we make it down onto it without breaking the kiss once. He's on his back, I'm the dominant in this and I'm pinning him down with one leg across his thighs while his hand runs up under my thigh and over my butt, sending shivers through my spine and cheeks. His hand continues to travel - over my waist, back and shoulder then down the front of me. He blindly searches for, and finds, my tuck and begins to pull at it frantically as the kiss heats up passionately. 

We're squirming together now, I'm trying to grind my groin into him and he's arching up to meet me with each movement. He's grunting again and I'm getting to love that sound. Our kisses are moist and noisy - the best kind! Our tongues fight and fumble, playing tag from one mouth to the other. Sometimes our lips part and we lose contact, but our tongues never do. Least this way we can draw breath!

He succeeds in releasing my top from my pants and his hand grips cruelly at my chest, his nails scratching across my (thankfully) firm pecs.- which I discover, to my surprise, I'm loving!

So focused am I on the feel of his nails on my taut skin that I hardly even notice when he wraps his legs around me and tosses me onto my back. Now he's the dominant and he's damn sexy playing it, too! He kneels up over me - trapping me between those incredible thighs of his as his growing groin waves in front of my face like some kind of prize -(which it is!). I can't help but notice the thick ridge formed beneath the strained material and by the time I manage to tear my eyes from that area he's waiting for me and is grinning madly at me, obviously enjoying the fact that he caught me having a good perve at his package. 

He teases me, not just with the words that are uttered on a soft, breathy whisper that I'm sure my linguist friend has chosen to drive me wild, but there's something about the way he's kneeling over me, he seems to be arching slightly and that groin - that tantalizing groin - is hovering near me, making my mouth water. I inhale and I can smell the arousal filling the room. I look into his eyes and he gives me another confident smile, his golden bangs falling to the edges of those incredible eyes as they gaze down on me. 

Still over me, he drops his hand behind himself and lets it play lightly across the folds in my pants right next to my crotch. I dig my heels into the bedding and raise up just enough to rub myself against his tight ass. He grins - wickedly, lop-sidedly, wantonly. I can't help but think to myself that my shy young friend is one hell of a sexy firecracker in the bedroom and I'm filled with eagerness to see just how much of a bang he gives off when he's alight! 

I notice his fingers have found where I lie within the folds and are now tracing the outside edge of my dick through the cloth. I feel a shiver wrench through my body. He's giving a deep, throaty laugh as he asks if I like that. Sure I like that, I tell him, and promptly attempt to drive his head through the ceiling the very next time he touches me there. 

I groan, well growl or.. oh dammit .. I think it was a moan! He's got me wired up inside. It's like all my nerves are alight and switched on. I can feel the surface of his pants as it rubs my side oh-so-lightly where my skin's exposed because he's untucked my top - I'm literally that sensitive at the moment. His long legs part as he rolls off me and onto his back. As I position myself along side of him he's casually tucking his hand under his head while touching light fingers to my cheek. 

"Jack..." 

It's the way he says it. The quality of his voice, the softness of his words. I'm melting and I know I'm showing it. My hand rests on his flattened stomach and I find it's a lot solider than I thought it would be. I begin to rub him, enjoying the feel of his firm body, moving my palm across his clothing in large circular movements. 

"What, Daniel?"

He grins at me. God, he's stunning. The cheeks are still perfectly flushed, highlighting his golden stubble. I shift the hand propping my head up and trace my index finger lightly over his coarse facial hair until my fingertip feels a little numb. I reach down, hungrily biting and nibbling his mouth again and he lays there, letting me, his hands cupping the back of my head lightly. 

His mouth is so soft and pliable that I'm compelled to draw it into my mouth and suck and nip the lips, making him laugh - which of course, tightens the lips and steals my enjoyment from me. I pull back, looking into his darkened blue eyes. I see the redness around his mouth and know that I've caused that. Bubbles of excitement burst in my stomach as I tenderly touch a finger to the redness before I stare down into the honest eyes. 

"Do you want.. something?" I ask him. 

He shakes his head slightly then a little more forcibly as he asks if I want to stop for something. My breath stalls in the back of my throat as I watch how his lips form every word he utters. Finally I drag my eyes to his once more and I tell him, in a deep, thick whisper, that I don't want to stop ... for anything. 

He cups my face in his hand as he props himself up onto his elbow. He says nothing but somehow I hear my name once more, soft and floating between us. He checks my eyes briefly as he pulls closer and our lips meet again. 

Instantly the tender ember he begun with ignites into a raging passion and I'm barely able to hold him as he pushes me over onto my back and crawls his long, lean body over mine while his tongue delves so far back I swear he's touched my tonsils. He wedges his thigh against my groin, adding just the right amount of pressure to my engorged shaft. Every movement, every gyrate of his hips, rubs that thigh against me more and more and I'm starting to squeeze my thighs against it, starting to hump his leg like a dog on heat. His hand wildly scrapes at my clothing, working unseen buttons open and brushing material aside before he dips his head and begins to bite and suck over my entire chest. His tongue starts toying with my dog tags as he groans loudly. I ask him what's wrong and he lifts back up to look me straight in the eye as he tells me how sexy I am.

I'm speechless. No one has ever said that to me. Certainly no woman I've ever been with would be so wild and blatant even in the throes of passion, nor would they think to compliment me in such a way during the foreplay. I know I've murmured it a few dozen times against perfumed throats while my eyes were shut tightly but Daniel was looking straight down at me - unabashed in his passion. I love it. He's so god-damn refreshing and I'm overwhelmed by him all over again. 

He's kneeling over me again and this time I sit up, cupping his cute, rounded butt in my hands as he sits down onto them in my lap. His hands brush through my hair and we both smile at each other. I'm astounded by his next words.

"Do you have protection?" 

Somehow I never expected it from him, but with this new disease - AIDS - that we're hearing so much about lately, I guess it's a valid question. I feel mortified though - because I really don't! He presses himself up onto his knees once more and reaches into his front pocket, withdrawing his wallet. He extracts what he needs from the tattered leather object then tosses it to the bed, letting it fall wherever. Either he has no money - or he trusts me, I think to myself. As I turn to look at him I realize it's the latter. He's holding a condom up between us and I thank god he's prepared. I want to ask why he carries one in his wallet but he's read my mind obviously and is already explaining how they are issued out at University and he took one, of course, but has never had a need for it - until now. 

I cup my hand over his and I'm not sure which one of us is trembling more. He releases the pack and I put it on the bed beside us as he sinks down onto my lap once more. I cup the back of his head as I lay back on the bed, pulling him on top of me. His hands come out to support himself and he hovers, grinning madly, above me. I brush back his long hair, eventually tucking some behind his ear to keep it at bay. But it's a lost cause as he dips his face and brushes his lips across mine before pulling back up once more, the hair all over his face again. He laughs, his perfect nose wrinkles slightly and he's so god damn gorgeous, I can barely believe it - can barely believe he's here, with me, like this! 

I wrap my legs around his and tilt him until he falls onto his back with a soft whumping sound. I crawl onto him now and push the hair out of his eyes. He's panting softly, I can hear it as well as see it. The pulse point in his throat beats rapidly and I bend down to kiss it lightly. He moans softly, his hand gripping the back of my hair as I begin to nip and suck the tender skin on his throat. His groin is bucking against my hip and I'm well aware that the time has come to move on. I pull up again, realizing that I've marked his skin now with a purplish bruise - the kid marks easily, I tell myself and store that away for future reference. 

Our eyes are connected as I shift along his body until I'm over his crotch. He squirms slightly as he intently watches me undo his pants. I smile when I see brief green underwear and I grip the tops of his jeans and begin to shimmer them down his long legs until they bunch at his booted feet. I ease his first foot free then the other, then I peel off his socks and toss them over my head. He chuckles softly as he tilts his head to watch where they fall. When he looks back down at me I'm watching him as I remove his jeans all the way. I crawl up along his body again - my knees go between his spread golden thighs. I pause over the green covered crotch then I bend and place a kiss on the obvious erection. He sucks in a breath noisily as he arches his back. My finger eases under one of the leg elastics now and I skim the sensitive skin with my fingertip. He moans and it grows louder the closer my finger inches to his hot groin. I delve into the moist valley between his sac and his thigh and he practically bucks me off the bed with his enthusiasm. I brush aside the underwear at that spot and bend to kiss him there. He cries out softly, praying to his god, I believe, then I hear something I don't fully comprehend as my tongue delves along the valley of heat. 

I leave him there and turn to remove my own boots and pants. He reaches up onto his elbows to watch my impromptu strip for him. We're both grinning like wild men now as I crawl over him once more, my knees either side of his hips, my bare feet snuggled into the valleys between his groin and thighs again until I can effectively cup his sac in the arches of my feet. His eyes grow wide as I gently caress him with my feet and I laugh, saying that he's obviously never had that done to him before. 

He looks at me and without words he tells me something that has my heart thudding in my throat. 

"You and 'Mrs. Robinson' never got this far, I take it?" I ask huskily. He blinks rapidly as he tells me that he and she often got this far, and further, but he's never been with a man before... though he had kissed one... once...

I nod and swallow, finding that hard to do with my heart lodged in my throat like it is. The boy has given me his manhood and I hold it in the palm of my hand, well, technically in my feet, but figuratively, I have him in my hands. I know that if I hurt him here tonight I will ruin him for all the lovers he is yet to have. Ruin him in a way unspeakable and unforgivable.

"I'll take things slowly then," I tell him in a hesitant voice and he smiles at me. His smile lights up his eyes, making them the brightest azure I've ever seen. 

"Thank you," was all he said but I heard more: 'I knew I could trust you to be my first.' It makes me feel strong, like I have so much power. Power that I 'm not about to abuse. 

He trusts me. A month ago he trusted me enough to get into my car that first morning. Trusted me enough to allow me to bring him back to my place. Trusted me again when he let me into his. And all along he trusted me with his guarded thoughts and theories .... Now he trusted me with the ultimate! His manhood, his sexuality - and I saw it as a gift. Daniel was, to me, a gift. I beckon him to me at that moment and he sits himself up. We wrap each other in our arms, both of us trembling slightly. I hear his soft sigh and I think to myself: //I feel it too, kid!//

As he pulls back he stares at me with large, trusting eyes. I smile, a little scared of them to be honest - what if I fail him in this? What if I do something here that shatters everything he's entrusting me with? But the hunger within them tells me that he's ready for this.. as ready as I am.

Slowly, I lift his top off over his head and then he rolls back down gradually so that I get a good look at his body. Not overly developed but nice, just the same. Smooth, white, soft chest and a flat stomach with the tiniest of paunch between his navel and green underwear. So damn enticing! As my hand glides over the silken skin I'm aware of how tanned I look against his fair skin. 

His hands are sliding my top up now and I pull it up over my head before flinging it behind me to land, god knows where. He chuckles and the intensity of the past few moments flees, leaving us breathless and light once more.

As I fall forward onto my hands again he catches my swaying dog-tags in his mouth. I bend and kiss him over the top of them before he pushes them from his lips in order to capture my mouth in another searing kiss. During the kiss I lay myself over him, our groins rubbing together as we position our legs for comfort. 

I pull back and my hands caresses over his stubble while I just enjoy the moment for what it is. He has a burning question, though, I can see it in his eyes. 

"So, have you?" He asks me.

"Have I what?" I ask, propping my head up with my hand as I run the other hand down the middle of his stomach to toy with the golden trail there. 

"Ever been this far...?"

"With a woman?" 

He nods and I nod. He nods again as he looks off and says, "of course.." softly. I wait for the eyes to return to me then for the next question.

"How about a man?" 

The kid doesn't fail me and I smile. "Yes..." 

He nods then asks me when. I genuinely have trouble recalling just how long ago it was that I'd been *this far* with another man. I'd kissed, a lot, with other men - that really was no different than kissing a woman, except for the stubble and, well then I guess that depended on the woman! Seriously, stubble is something that really gets me hot. I love the feel if it, love touching it, running my fingers over it, rubbing my tongue into it. It's sexy. Very sexy! I've never seen it worn better on anyone but the man I am with right now. Daniel could make a sack look sexy, but what he did for stubble - Christ, I could blow just looking at him! 

But it very rarely got past the kissing stage. They all seemed to lack 'something' but I don't know what that was. A few times I let them go down on me or I'd go down on them, always with a condom and never for anything more than instant, gratuitous sex. It wasn't for keeps.. it was mere satisfaction! Maybe _they_ didn't lack anything - maybe it was me.... Because the last time I went 'this far' with another man, *this* open and *this* vulnerable.... (and it comes as some surprise when I realize it) was more than ten years ago.

"I was probably about your age..." I bend and kiss his hard nipple tenderly. He sighs softly then his hand starts to caress the back of my head. 

"What happened then?" he asks me. I lift up and frown at him. I didn't want to think about it, about 'him' - not at this moment. I didn't want to recall his hard body, his piercing eyes, his cute accent. I sigh. I haven't thought about George in over ten years, and now was not the time to start. 

"Why all the questions?" I ask him in a husky voice, pushing the images from my mind once more. 

He shrugs. "I study people, remember?"

My finger glides down his body, choosing to skirt across one of the elasticized legs of his underwear again, delving inside to lightly skim along the warm, hairy valley between his groin and his raised thigh. Instinctually, he moans and shifts under my touch. I nod then quip, "didn't know you were writing a thesis on mating rituals.." as I glide my palm up the inside thigh of his raised leg, up to where I can cup my hand over his bent knee. 

He laughs softly then, by the grip he has in my hair, he tilts my face towards him. "Just interested in knowing where you've been, that's all."

I reach forward and kiss his mouth and as I do, I press his knee down onto the bed, pushing his legs apart completely so that I can lie flat on his body. 

My mouth skims his as I say, "No where.. for a very *long* time..." then I slip my tongue between his slightly parted lips until his mouth gives way, allowing me entry. I groan and slither across his stomach as I inch up his body to gain deeper access, while his legs wrap around, then between, mine and he pins me down onto himself. I press up onto my outstretched hands now and he follows me up, his body wrapped around mine so securely that he can lift from the bed effortlessly, while still devouring my lips and tongue with his own. At this angle, my crotch is pinning him to the bed.

His hands run down the arch of my back, slipping down under the waist band of my boxers now, then his long fingers grip my ass firmly, making me press down onto him forcefully. He moans and it rumbles into my mouth, mixing with the one I'm releasing, too. The fingers tentatively move closer to my cleft and my skin is alive, every nerve on alert as his skin brushes against mine. The kiss is still relentless, loud and hot, but my arms are tiring from supporting us both. The instant his fingertips reach my heated valley I shake and we drop to the bed together, his hand releasing from my underwear and gripping my face in a vice like hold so that our lips still don't part. 

My hands grapple with his now and I reach them up to hold them above his head as I start devouring his chest like a hungry man. He squirms, gulping back air as he smiles and bucks at me, his underwear straining to withhold him now. I release his hands and continue down his smooth body until I reach the downy trail along his soft stomach. I lick and suck at it, moving down to where the hairs begin to grow coarse. I've reached the top of his briefs and I feel a damp nudge against my cheek. I pull back and see the tiny wet spot on the tip of the covered shaft. I lick it, pressing hard against it with my tongue and thoroughly saturating the cloth between us. He gasps.

"Jack.."

I apologize as I confess my desire to have him in my mouth. He reminds me that there's only one condom and I tell him, quickly, that he can get me off by his hand.. if it means I can have him in my mouth..

He takes a moment then nods, ever-so-slightly. I reach across him and snatch up the pack, ripping it between eager hands as he slips his underwear off for me, the simple action making me jerk eagerly within my own confining garment. 

He lays back, completely naked now, one leg bent slightly for comfort and his heavy shaft straining up from a bed of dark golden curls. He's smiling at me, but I can see he's a little nervous too. I position the roll at his tip and he touches his hand to mine briefly. I pick up his hand and I kiss his palm as I check if he's sure. He nods so I start to carefully roll it onto his shaft. His hand drops to my shoulder and as I pull his foreskin back, stretching the condom over the red tip and then down the rock hard flesh, he digs his nails into my shoulder and scratches down along my arm until I stop my hand movements and stare down at his fully sheathed shaft. We're both ignorant to the long red lines down my upper arm as I reach down and kiss his mouth once more, knowing that I won't taste as nice next time after having had the condom in my mouth. I position myself alongside him now, kneeling by his hip. I gently nudge the side of his thigh and he lifts his leg a little, so that I can wedge my kneeling leg beneath it. His leg lowers, draping over my lap now and I'm in perfect position to reach him. I cup my hand around the stiff rod and, as I close my fingers around it slowly, I enjoy the sound of his moan as I watch his eyes shut languidly. I pump down then up, then down again, watching his reactions - which do not fail me. He shifts across the bedding slightly, squirming to keep the contact between his hot shaft and my hand, as he digs his heel into the mattress and juts up slightly. 

"Patience, grasshopper.." I quip and his eyes open slowly, the blues barely visible in the highly aroused orbs now. He locks eyes with mine and I watch every flicker in them as my fingertip trails down the back of the stem in a soft zig-zag. Then I teasingly circle the tightening sac, moving onto the perineum - which is so goddamn sensitive on me that I wonder if it's the same for him. Judging by the buck I get as I skim the surface lightly, I believe it is. My finger shifts along it to the dip nestled behind it. 

His hand moves fast, slapping my upper arm as soon as my fingertip touches the tight pucker. His fingers then grip my arm muscle, squeezing me tightly as my tip presses to breach him. I look at him and I see he's breathing heavily through his mouth. I pull my hand away and the fingers ease up on my arm once more. I wonder if he's even aware how tightly he was holding me as I hover over his face once more. 

"I don't have to breach you - not tonight anyway. Not until you're ready... "

He nods and I bend to him, sealing the agreement with a kiss. He responds eagerly, his tongue teasing across my mouth, his lips latched onto mine in a tight hold. It's like he's trying to make up for it with this kiss, which is fine, but unnecessary. We have the luxury of time on our side here. We can take things easy tonight, divest him of his virginity in the gentlest way possible then, another time, we can explore more 'deeply' the erogenous zones of his incredible body. 

My hand grapples to find the straining shaft once more as I continue the deep kiss with him. He whimpers as I grip him tightly then he begins to suck on my tongue in rhythm to my strokes. My groin twitches with jealousy as he sucks my tongue like I want him to suck my dick. The thought - the vision - of seeing my shaft going into that mouth of his.... My head wants to explode just thinking about it. I'm aware of his sudden shivers and I pull away from his suction, gasping to regain my breath as I smile down at him. My hand brushes across his flushed face then I silently twist and move towards his groin. My mouth is literally watering by the time I reach his erection and I move my face over him, aware of the very intimate act I'm about to perform on him. I look up and meet his eyes, and we exchange smiles before I wink then open my mouth and go down on him. 

He gasps, curling up around me as his hands grip the short hairs on the back of my head in his tight fists. I wrap both arms around his V-shaped body now, hugging him as I suck him for all I'm worth, enjoying the solid, rigid shaft as it presses against the back of my throat. I rasp my teeth along the sheath, ignoring the taste as I do. He moans loudly as his hands grip me even more tightly than before. I slip a hand between his thighs now and cup his balls, gently squeezing them as I suck then release and suck once more. With the side of my hand I brush the perineum, rubbing it as I jostle his sac gently in my hand. He's straightened out again now, lying flat on his back, save the leg that's hooked up to accommodate my arm under it and between his thighs. 

I suck him all the way to his tip then I let go, gasping for air before I bury my face in his hot groin, smelling his arousal, tasting the tart skin alongside his sac which is heaven compared to the foul taste of the condom, and I brush the curls with my tongue. With my head still buried in his nether region I shift across his bent leg until I'm kneeling between his thighs now. I lick and nip and suck every inch of skin that I possibly can now and he's crying out softly above me. 

Blindly I slide my hand up his stomach and he grabs it in his, entwining our fingers as he starts to buck the air while I suck the hardened sac into my mouth now. My tongue presses the wrinkled skin, separating the orbs inside then licking over the entire surface again until I pull my face away from the moist area and dip lower to start to bite the perineum softly. 

His fingers dig into my shoulder as he calls my name quietly. I look up, seeing the arched throat, his mouth, opened and wanting, his eyes clasped shut with desire. I throw myself over his body and his eyes spring open at the unexpected contact. I thrust my tongue as deeply as I can down his throat and he wraps his entire body around me as we both rock together, rubbing the shafts between us fervently. 

Soon I feel him bite down on my tongue as he begins to shudder. It would seem that ripple after ripple of orgasm rips through his body now and I feel his shaft twitching, expanding then quivering against my own as he pours out into the sheath still covering him. He is whimpering into my mouth now then he begins to suck my tongue once more, and that is enough - along with the twitching shaft against me - to send me over the edge as well. I pour out into my underwear that we hadn't even gotten around to removing yet. As I collapse onto his heaving chest, I couldn't care less though. 

He's huffing and puffing now, trying to swallow and trying to wet his lips at the same time. I'm the same. My throat is dry and my crotch is wet and I'm as happy as I could ever remember being. 

Soon I feel him fidgeting beside me and I open my eyes to see he's peeling off the condom. 

"Where?" he asks me and I take the soiled sheath from him then reach across his body to the other side of the bed. His hands touch my torso lightly as I carefully place the condom into a used coffee cup partially hidden under my bed. I move back now, feeling the wetness of his come on my stomach and I realize I must have brushed him as I leaned across him. 

I shift against his side, tilting my head to look down at myself and he follows my vision. I hear him laugh then he starts to squirm down the bed, his arms hugging my hips as he nestles his body between my thighs. I'm not sure what he's about to do until he does it. He places his mouth over my softening shaft still within my underwear and he sucks at me, drinking in the juices that are wetting the cloth. I reach my hand down and ruffle it through his hair then he lets me go and shifts back up to my side again. 

"Should you have done that?" I ask him, trying to sound stern through the breathless gasps.

"I want to know what you taste like..." His hand delves under my waistband and two fingers skim my sodden tip. He extracts his hand and I grab him around the wrist before he can put his come-covered fingers in his mouth. "You told me yourself," he says with a confident smile. "You haven't been with anyone in a long time... or with a man in ten years... or more.."

He says the last words cautiously and I arch my brow at him. Just how much older than him does he think I am? It was supposed to distract me, it seems, as he steals his hand away and pops his fingers in his mouth, moaning softly as he tastes me properly for the first time. His eyes loll closed then open again as he drags his fingers from his lips enticingly slowly. 

"You know-" I run my thumb down the side of his face then across his moist plump lips. "If I knew you'd look that damn hot .. I'd have given you the real thing to suck on.."

He smiles at me wantonly. "All in good time, Jack!" He kisses me quickly then snuggles down onto the pillow. I nestle in beside him and we caress each other gently across our face and chest. He seems fascinated with my dog tags as he toys with them, reads them then lifts them off over my head to drop them around his own neck. They fall onto his younger, hairless chest and he lays on his back, holding them up to read them again.

"Anthony...." He smiles as he tilts his head into the pillow so that he can see me beside him. I arch a brow as I sit myself up, easing the damp underwear off then I kick them across the room before I lay back beside him, seeing his amused smile. He jiggles the dog tag before me, obviously awaiting a response to his comment but I don't say anything, I merely shrug. It's the name my parents gave me, well, the second name at least - what more was there to say about it?

I smile as I trace around his erect nipple with my fingertip. "What's your middle name?"

He screws his nose up then sighs. "Charles.."

I grin. "Daniel Charles Jackson..."

He groans loudly like he thinks it's the worst name in the world...

"I like it," I tell him. 

"It's pompous!" He tells me as he rolls onto his side, the tags dropping to the pillow under him. 

"Nothing about you is pompous!" I say, caressing his hip lightly. He smiles as he moves his hand down to fumble with mine, then - I'm not sure if he's guiding me or not - our hands slip down onto his damp groin and I feel the weight of the softened shaft as my fingers grip it lightly. He sighs so softly it makes the hairs on my neck stand up. I squeeze the fat, soft shaft in my hand and he grins at me when it twitches within my hold. Staring at his face, so angelic, so young - I suddenly wonder what the hell I'm doing with this kid! But as he lifts his eyes to meet mine again - and his orbs are so dilated from dessire that all I see is a trim of blue around shimmering black - I know *exactly* what I'm doing with him. Getting the chance of a life-time, that's what!

The kid's so damn gorgeous! His hair is flopped into his eyes as he watches me intently, waiting for what though - I'm not sure. With a deep growl at the back of his throat he leans towards me, smiling seductively (and I bet he doesn't even know he's doing that!) as soon his mouth nudges against mine, asking for an invitation in. My tongue comes out and swipes his full, soft lips and it seems to be all he needs as he murmurs "hmmmm," before capturing my mouth in another searing kiss. After a breath stealing kiss he bends his head and starts to kiss my chest, forcing me to roll onto my back as he crawls across me, biting and sucking his way. 

I suck back a deep breath as I caress his back with my hand, sliding it along his spine to the rounded butt, which is now waving in the air as he reaches across me to chew on my other nipple. My hand explores the sweaty cleft tentatively and he doesn't object. Even as my fingertips brush his pucker he doesn't object. When my index fingertip presses the tight opening he murmurs against my skin but doesn't stop me. I withdraw my hand quickly, slicking my middle finger within my mouth then I place my hand back and press him again. This time he moves, rolling his hips and moaning softly. He presses back against my pressure and I pop inside him easily. His eyes are dark and hooded when he finally lifts his face to look at me. 

"This okay?" I ask, my surprise clear in my voice. He smiles and kneels all the way up now, embedding my finger deep within himself. 

"Yes," he hisses. 

I watch as his shaft twitches before me again, slowly rousing to life once more. I scoot down between his kneeling thighs and I rub my face against the stiffening shaft while he growls and combs one hand through my hair as his other caresses under my chin and throat.

I feel the twitch and lean back to observe the involuntary quiver in the soft, heavy muscle. I kiss it lightly then whisper, "well... this is interesting..." 

His erection nudges at my cheek fortuitously as he tells me, "It's never happened before.."

I lift my eyes to met his, the whiskers of my chin rub the silken shaft gently. "Never?"

He shakes his head then he smiles as he cups my chin with his warm hand. I kiss his palm then I brush his hand aside to rub my lips lightly along his tightening skin.

"Jack..." he hisses again and I feel the tremble begin within his body. My finger moves a fraction within him and he moans again. I withdraw it to it's tip then gently press it in once more. He shudders and his fingers tighten in my hair. 

My tongue licks at the glistening shaft, tasting his salty flavor mingled with the tart taste of the condom. I'm sure that trembling sigh was mine as I shift to reach him even better. His legs move apart slightly and my second finger slips in unnoticed. I'm wrapped around his groin, tucked in under his parted thighs, three fingers of one hand now embedded within his tight body while my other hand grips his hip firmly for support. With the angle I'm at I know I can't keep this up for long, the muscles across my strained shoulders and neck will start to protest soon, I'm sure. But until that time comes I suck, lick and tenderly bite him, all the time feeling the flesh swell within my lips. 

I pull my hand from him now, then slip myself out from between his legs so that I can kneel to reach his height. His hands drop to my waist and he holds me lightly, his thumbs brushing my skin gently. With the hand that had been on his hip I cup his face and draw our mouths together once more. Our tongues are tender with each other. There is no dominance at play here, merely touching, caressing and tasting. We pull apart slightly, both breathless with arousal once more. 

His breath is hot against my lips as he says, in a shaky voice, "you know how you said you didn't want to .. do that.. yet.." 

I pull back far enough so that I can see his eyes. They are almost black with desire now. 

"It's a big step, Danny..."

" I know," he nods slightly, but his eyes are begging me. 

"You think you trust me .. that much.."

He nods again, his whole body is trembling within my hands now. I cup the back of his head as I pull him back so that I can devour his mouth once more. This kid.. trusts me...

I lose myself in his mouth once more, enjoying the swirling action of his tongue, drinking in his juices and absorbing them into me - to be part of me for the rest of my life. Reluctantly, I surrender his mouth when he pulls back a fraction. We are both watching each other now, kneeling together in the center of my bed. I'm suddenly aware of the responsibility he's given to me. I don't want to disappoint him but I'm aware, just the same, that he's so new to all this... not just physically either!

He must read something in my eyes because he moves now, lying himself back onto the bed, sprawling himself before me, as if offering me some kind of sacrifice - which it is, I guess. Up until now what we've done could have been achieved with any woman - or even his Mrs. Robinson, but what we're about to do - can only be done between two men and I'm just hoping he's ready for this! I'm not just referring to the pain aspect of it, and I'll do all I can to minimize that for him, but it's the intimacy of the whole act that concerns me. 

"You're absolutely sure...?" I ask as I brush some of his wayward hair from his stubble. 

Daniel's mouth twitches with a smile. "Yes..." 

I close my eyes as that feeling of power, of entrustment, rises within me once more. I reach down then whisper in his ear as my hand caresses his chest, "It will hurt..."

He whispers back, "it's okay... I trust you.." 

I clench my eyes close and I'm thankful he doesn't see the single tear that wets my eye now. My lips brush his lobeless ear as I say all I need to in that small action. 

When I pull back I gaze down on his face and smile, which he returns, a little hesitantly. His hand reaches up to me and, as I lower myself onto him I realize that we're both shaking as much as the other now. Our hands touch, his long fingers entwine with mine, then his hand fists into a ball and slips around inside my larger, cupped hand before splaying against my palm again and entwining our fingers once more. All the while I've been kissing his throat, feeling the rapid heartbeat at his tender pulse point. I've marked his skin several times now but it doesn't stop me from desiring to do it again, and again. His moaning so he's obviously enjoying it anyway! I start to crawl backwards from him, unable to break the kiss we're sharing at the moment until my feet slip over the edge of the bed and I feel the floor beneath my toes. I now jerk my head back from his mouth and we smile at each other. 

"I'll be right back," I tell him as I leave to go out the room, leaving him there, tousled amongst my bedding. I soon return with a bowl of cooking oil. It's all I have in my bachelor pad, and at least it's edible. 

I kneel beside him on the bed and frowns at me. "Cooking oil," I tell him and he nods as he begins to press himself up onto his out stretched arms. I touch my hand to his cheek when I see the hesitation return in his eyes.

"Daniel, we don't have to.."

He grabs my hand and squeezes it. "I want to..." There it is again. The 'I trust you' in his eyes, shadowing the brilliant blue that's staring right through me now. All I can do is nod then I begin tugging at the bedding to remove it so that it's not destroyed by dribbling oil. He crawls off as well. 

"Because, you know, we can wait until another time..." I say, tossing the bedding aside now. He's standing behind me now, his arms wrapped across my chest, his lips against the back of my ear. 

"I *want* to!" He stresses then nips my ear lightly. I duck my head then turn within his hold to face him. 

"Want to, huh?" I smile as I kiss the tip of his nose.

"Want to, have to..." he says through teeth clenched in desire. My hand trails down his back and I feel him shiver as I reach the top of the cleft. Instead of going where he's anticipating, I veer to the side, skimming the soft, round globe then I run my hand along the underside of his thigh, and he lifts his leg to allow me unlimited access. I grip him and hold his thigh, tugging him against my body now, my awakened shaft slipping between his parted legs. He growls lustfully at its contact against his soft sac and I can't help but smile. 

Unbeknownst to him, I'm secretly dipping the fingers of my other hand into the oil and while I brush the dry inside of my wrist across his cheek, my fingers are dripping with oil. 

Surprise has him and he yelps as my hand curls into the parted cleft and presses the opening, slipping in so easily with the oil as a lube. His eyes are wide and he's laughing and gulping at the same time. 

"Christ!" 

I laugh. If I can make him look like that and sound like that again - I'll be a happy man! He's gorgeous as he lets his head roll back slowly, his tender throat arched to me invitingly. I see the red and purple marks all over him and I press my tongue to them as I slip my fingers in and out of his hole. His shivers have increased again, and I feel his hot shaft twitch against my stomach. My tongue, rasped by his stubble, glides up his throat and over his chin and into his mouth, which he's now leveling at me for better access. 

I slip my hand from his tight hole and grip his butt instead as I lower him back onto the bed now. He moves easily then shuffles himself onto the mattress so that I have room for my knees. We lie together then we tumble, kissing and nipping and sucking at each other until I feel totally aroused now. Much like it was for him, another arousal, so soon, was not usual for me. I took it as a sign that we were destined to be together, this way, at this moment. 

He may be a virgin but the kid knows the positions and as we kiss he twists himself slightly until he's back is presented to me. I break the kiss and run my hands down his lean back, loving the way the muscles play beneath the ivory surface. There's just something I find so intoxicating about a man's back, I'm not sure what it is, but at this point in my life, it's only Daniel's back that makes me feel like I do. My fingers run over the light ridges of ribs and then down onto his hips, gliding around to the front of him and running across his stomach and up to his chest. He's moaning softly, head back and throat arched as I kiss his skin lightly while my hands play with his smooth chest, and the set of dog tags that belong to me! 

I bite him, a fraction harder than I intend to and he flinches. 

"I'm sorry.." I whisper and kiss the tender skin lightly. He turns his face to me and tells me he liked it then he grabs my hand and places it over his groin. I growl softly, burying my face into his warm skin and I begin to bite and nip him, not as hard, but harder than I had been as his hand and my hand tumble together, including his rigid shaft in our play. 

I lean back, the action serving to thrust my erection into the small diamond shape between his butt cheeks and thighs. His hand drops down to feel my tip as it presses though the legs. I'm scooping out the oil with my hand and I rub his butt, smearing it between the cleft and over the tight pucker. I feel him tense a little and I bite and suck him again. His body slackens a fraction and I'm hoping it will be more before I try to enter him, or we'll both be feeling pain! 

I pull back my hips, extracting myself from the tantalizing warm heat between his thighs. I run my slick hand all over my shaft then I reach forward and we kiss on the lips as best we can, while I gently work him to open him up for me. 

We grow more passionate throughout the kiss and I know he's totally hooked now, so I carefully position myself and then, gripping his hips, I make my first, gentle thrust. I hear his soft cry of pain and I think to stop but my own instincts are kicking in here and all I desire is to be buried deep within him. I thrust again and again he whimpers but he doesn't ask me to stop. I coax him forward, onto his hands which is an even easier position for breaching him. I thrust again, and he tenses as our skin catches slightly, jarring the movement. 

"Oh.. gads.. Jack.." he grunts softly as he bends his head forward. I want to reach down to him, to comfort him, but I know that if I did that, the position would add more pain. I remain where I am, on my knees, and I call to him gently.

"It's okay, Danny... It's okay..." as I rub his back reassuringly. Soon he nods and I inch in ever deeper. He's still whispering something quietly, and I'm sure he's trying to block the searing pain that would be filling him right now, despite my gentleness. 

I glide my hands up along his side then I cup his chest as I press in all the way now. He arches upright as he cries out softly and I grip him tightly across the chest, holding him back against me as I whisper to him that it's alright, that I've stopped.... That I'm in.. 

He's gasping for air now and I feel his whole body shaking with fear, arousal and pain, no doubt. Because of his arched throat his mouth is close by my ear as he whispers, "it hurts..."

My insides roll in on themselves. I kiss his cheek over and over as I whisper an apology. 

"Not your fault," he tells me then his hand reaches back and cups the back of my head. We look at each other the best we can then he smiles before kissing me tenderly. We pull back and I think I see a slight shimmer of tears in his blue eyes. I kiss his cheek, right at the corner of his mouth and he moans softly at the gentleness. I kiss him again then again and he's soon pliable enough to turn to me more. I search his eyes, seeing that damn trust there again. The pain seems to have subsided, I noticed, so I attempt my first thrust. He freezes again and I hold still. 

"Danny, look.." I whisper, using my face to gently nudge his to the right of us so that he can see what I've been watching. The two of us, reflected in my mirror.

"Oh.. gods.." Daniel whispers and I see his hand reach back for my thigh. "Jack, that's.. so..."

"Horny.." I say and playfully bite the tip of his ear, hoping to lighten the moment. He laughs.

"Yes!" 

I stick my tongue in his ear now and he shivers as he chuckles softly. "That.. that makes me feel so good," he whispers the confession to me. I hope it's good enough to mask the pain as I'm desperate now to begin pumping him. I have to feel myself slipping into that gorgeous, hot body, and, just like Daniel is doing, I'm going to watch. 

We move together like a well synchronized machine, not at all like two men 'fucking' for the first time... He's riveted to the view of me pressing into the back of him and he gasps as I pull out, his hand running over my thigh, then butt then between us as best he can to fondle my patch of wiry pubic hair. I thrust in, capturing his hand between our bodies and he laughs once more, before waiting until I pull back before removing it. All the time we're watching the vision before us: of two men, kneeling in the middle of the bed, bodies spooned intimately together in the act of making love. 

Soon the playfulness is gone and Daniel seems to be sensing the pressure building within me. To increase his enjoyment I reach around and pump him in time with my movements. I drop my face to concentrate on my rhythm, my lips brushing his smooth shoulders as I slowly bring us to the edge of the abyss. Despite being in front of me, his hands manage to be all over me, caressing and teasing and driving me wild! I hear my soft grunts grow louder and soon I feel the slow burn begin in my stomach then radiate out, down my leg and into my toes, down my arms and into my fingers and up to my throat, choking me with desire.

It would appear that his body has been keeping time with mine and soon it's his soft gasp that sends me over the edge. As he shakes within my grasp I shudder within him, both of us releasing at the same time. He's more vocal than I am, crying out loudly as he comes, then dry sobbing now as I squeeze and stroke him, droplets of pearly juice rise to the tip time and time again until he's finally drained, and so am I. 

He drops forward onto his bent elbows, his head down and his body gasping for breath. I carefully extract myself from him then I reach for my t-shirt and wipe myself clean with it before rolling it into a ball and tossing it into the corner of the room. I crawl, tiredly, to the pillow end of the bed. One of my hands had remained on his hip as I moved to guide him with me, then we both collapse onto the pillows, spooning each other, me in the back. I roll onto my back, reaching for the discarded bedding, then I roll back to cuddle him as I tug the quilt over us both. 

He reaches for my hand, lacing it with his as he brings it to his lips to kiss it. I kiss the moist back of his neck now and he chuckles slightly, obviously ticklish there. He drags our joined hands up to under his chin now and we both slowly drift off to sleep. 

* * *

Bus Trip (day after)

I'm the first awake in the morning. What started yesterday afternoon went through to the small hours of this morning. Daniel dosed, albeit briefly, while I remained awake, watching him. Watching over him. And wondering.. about him, about me.. about us. 

Wondering, too, what thoughts he was dreaming as he lay there, twitching ever so slightly within my arms. What thoughts had lulled him to sleep so deeply? I wondered what might be, in years to come, his memories of his first time with a man. Would he recall it well? Or would it be an embarrassing secret that he would forever try to hide from wife and children?

What of me? Here, as I lay with him against my chest, I can't even image anything else. His breath, laced lightly with my scent, puffs over my chest, it moves my chest-hair and I'm absurdly aware that this is no dream. 

To assure myself further, I rub his back with my hand lightly just to feel his warmth, the lay of his silky, smooth flesh over his sleep-slackened muscles. He shifts a little, nudging against me more and his hand slides down from where it was resting, cupped over my right pec, all the way down to my groin. I flinch, almost expecting him to look up at me - that it had been a calculated grope, but he stays asleep, his fingers twitching during his state of REM sleep. 

Each little flinch, although unintentional, makes me harder. I move my head slightly so that my lips can brush his tall forehead. I smell his scent; soap. He smells of soap, intertwined with sweat and semen. I inhale deeply and whether it was too much oxygen or the intoxication of him, I begin to notice that my heart rate quickens, only momentarily, but noticeably all the same. 

We lay there silently, his hard body pressed against mine, the skin between us slick with perspiration. I get the feeling again - the light headedness, the palpitation of my heart. If I were a poet or a romantic, which I am not, I might even say my heart 'fluttered' or skipped - isn't that what they write in those books? 'His heart skipped a beat as he lay there, entangled with the body of his Greek God'. 

I shudder and start to be grateful that I'm too cynical to be a romantic. 

All I know is that I feel a certain contentment as I lay here with him. I lower my hand to rest over his at my groin- cupped loosely over my growing shaft - and I lace our fingers together slightly. I feel the heat and solidity of my own flesh beneath the pads of my two middle fingers. The rest are touching him. I close my eyes and I drift off to sleep, lulled quietly by the soft huffs of his breathing. 

*

He's awake before me. The sun through the window is brighter than it was the last time I was awake and I estimate that it's late morning. He smiles at me as my eyes focus on him slowly. He's leaning on my chest with his elbow, one hand tucked into his long brown mane with its golden highlights, while his other hand idly draws across my chest. I'm aware that my nipples are hard, but that my cock is even harder. What a sight to wake up to! I could get used to this. 

I move an arm, it sways awkwardly for a second before I gain its control, then I brush back his bangs, pushing them from the brilliant blue pools staring down at me. Staring right through me. Showing me that he felt no remorse for the actions we took last night. 

"Good morning," he says in hushed, throaty tones. His smile once again fills me with want and desire and I shift my legs, bringing my feet flat onto the mattress and jostling him a little closer by nudging him with my thighs. His smile broadens as my flesh presses his back then he reaches down, while holding my gaze, and kisses my right nipple. My breath catches in the back of my throat as he gives a slight whimper before closing his eyes slowly and allowing his tongue to come out and trace the hardness of my nub. My hand automatically cups his head, silently encouraging him to continue. He does as he's asked, and his teeth drag across my tender flesh. I feel my body arch slightly, involuntarily, and I stab him in the back with a wet tip. He laughs and dips his face coyly, his finger returning to the tracing of the hard brown nipple as his teeth gnaw gently on his bottom lip - like he's suppressing something, something good, something that if he let it out would cause him to explode in a loud display of happiness. 

I know how he feels. I feel that way too! Like laughing - loudly - and I feel like throwing my fists into the air while shouting out at the top of my lungs - "we did it!" I feel like racing him to the bathroom to shower so that we can go out to a meal, sit opposite each other in the real world, knowing what it's like to be in our secret garden.. untouchable. Then again, as my other hand slides up his body, closing the circle around him and drawing him nearer, I don't want to move from this bed either. 

I drop one knee to the mattress and he slides himself between my thighs, like some well rehearsed movement between us. His stomach is pressed against my rigid groin now and he must be feeling it digging in under his ribs. Moving again, he partly slips, partly crawls up my body until his mouth is hovering, enticingly, over mine. I grin. I can't help it. I'm feeling cocky with this kid as I watch wayward hair flop into the gorgeous eyes that he hasn't managed to drag from my face, for even a second. It makes me feel good! 

Christ, he makes me feel good! 

My fingers spread wide on the skin of his back and by the flicker in his eyes, he likes that touch. I draw small circles over his cooling flesh and he closes his eyes completely, his throat arching back a little as he gives a very deep and low moan. That's when I feel him in my stomach. The sudden jab of unyielding flesh. I feel his legs part, pressing mine out wider again, as his hips rock against me. I know what he's asking for and I'm more than happy to oblige him. 

"Daniel," I tell him and he moans again, obviously enjoying the sound of his name on my lips. Slowly his eyes open and black pools are ringed in bright blue. I'm surprised I can even think I'm so enamored. "Sit up a bit for me, please."

He parts his lips, drawing back breath as he silently obeys me by pressing himself onto his knees until he is kneeling before me; knees wide apart, his hands on his thighs. His hard cock juts before me enticingly and I swing around until I'm positioned on my back, under his soft, hanging sac. I open my mouth and lick at him and he practically yelps as he falls forward onto his outstretched arms. Now, with a better angle, I tilt my head and I engulf the hot, red shaft with my lips, mouth and throat. He hisses as his legs part further in the act of lowering himself down my throat. I moan now, he tastes so damn good! I moan, and I allow my hand to run all over his spread rump, into the hot, moist valley and then over the firm flesh that *I* know tingles when it's touched. He's moaning softly, too, verbalizing his enjoyment and adding to mine. Suddenly I'm surrounded by heat and moistness. The kid's gone down on me!! For crying out loud....

My hand involuntarily finds the back of his head and I tangle myself with his silken mane. When he sucks me, it feels like I'm going to be dragged down and out through that shaft and into his mouth. He's got some power in that suction and he releases me momentarily, before gripping me again - suction on full and my head spinning out of control. I moan and I know I've pushed on the back of his head with my hand. I didn't mean to but he starts moving now too, gliding towards the tip of me until he breaks the suction then swallows me before closing his lips around me once more. I start to see flashes behind my eyes. No! Not yet... it's too soon.. I want this to last. But he doesn't know this and with one god almighty, dry-throated cry, I come, into his sweet mouth and down his throat. 

He gags. I'm expecting it - I did it my first time too. It's not so much the taste, as he's tasted me before when he licked it off his fingers. It's the way it fills your mouth, completely until you can't breath between the viscous liquid and the ramming shaft. 

"Swallow, baby.." I urge him softly and he tosses his head back, flicking the long hair from his eyes. For a few moments he remains there, unmoving, and I start to think that if he doesn't breath soon, he may never again. With some relief I watch as his Adam's Apple bobs and, with a smile now, I know, from this moment forward, I'm forever a part of him. He looks at me as he draws back breath for the first time again and I see moisture in his eyes. I grapple to sit up and he throws his arms around my shoulders as he buries his face in the curve of my neck and chest. His hair is now all over my face, flung against my stubble until it caught, like cotton in Velcro. I brush it from my mouth and I settle it on his head as I whisper to him, "we don't have to do that again."

He shakes his head but doesn't look up. I can tell, by the stillness of his body, that he's not crying, as I first though he had been. Slowly he pulls away and looks at me, his eyes wide and unreadable. We say nothing, and I'm sure I must look like a fish gupping out of water. He starts to smile. Slowly it creeps across his own unshaven face until I see his teeth - shiny, white and clenched together behind his smile. 

"So? You liked it?" I ask then I give a sharp shrug, just to appear nonchalant. 

Shaking his head, and withholding laughter, he grips my face in his hands then squeezes my cheeks. I may think of him as a kid but he's got the strength of a man in those hands. Suddenly he twitches against my thigh and I'm reminded that he's still standing. I look down and he laughs - my scent is carried on his breath once more. Without a word, still - which is so unlike him!- he closes in and kisses me, forcefully. I fight him back and our tongues duel a while until we both pull away gasping for air. With a smile he lays himself down on the bed, like he's offering himself to me. I tilt my face over the shaft that's arching up to meet me. He lays there, one knee bent up in the air, the other flat against the mattress, allowing me in. I shuffle closer and bend until my lips brush the soft skin on the inside of his knee. He flinches like it's tickled him then I kiss the back of his thigh and he gives a soft, deep chuckle. I inch up, closer and closer to his hot groin, planting a row of soft pecks along the curve of the back of his thigh. His body shifts over the sheets, his elbows holding him up for support as he watches me intently. As my lips brush the junction between inside thigh and crotch - a warm place, heady with his scent and covered in tantalizing dark curls - he drops his head right back, allowing it to hang momentarily. I watch as his neck muscles tighten as he begins to lift his face once more. Our eyes meet and then I hold his gaze as I lower my face, closer and closer to the warmth below me. I see his eyes widen in anticipation and then I don't see anything as I shut my eyes, and lower my parted lips over the long, silky shaft. 

I feel the vibration through his body and can make a pretty good guess at what's happened. He's flung himself back onto the mattress and when I take a moment to look, as I drag my lips up his cock, I can see he's arching off the bed, his hands gripping my sheets into tight fists. I can't help but smile. Never before has my ministrations afforded me such a reaction. This kid, with his lack of inhibitions here, is really good for my ego. I hungrily stuff the thick head down the back of my throat and he growls and lifts slightly off the bed, both his hands slapping against the back of my head and his long fingers begin digging through my hair. He starts to encourage me to speed up and I'm more than willing. I can hear him softly mumbling as he nears his peak. 

My lips slip down until I feel the curls against them once more and then, suddenly, the kid twists and he's placed himself between my parted thighs. I start to frown but it hasn't time to take hold before I realize what's going on. He sucks my flaccid shaft into his mouth and I go down on him over and over, enjoying the strange sensation of having my cock toyed with by a slick tongue while it hasn't a chance of getting hard again - not for a while at least! 

He whimpers something around his mouth full then suddenly I feel it, the shaft grows even more rigid, the head swells against the back of my throat and I sense, rather than taste, the come as it pours out into me. His fingers are really digging into my scalp as he jerks and twitches, his cries muffled by my shaft. Soon he spits me out and gasps for air, then he slowly opens his eyes and smiles up at me. I grin, lying myself down against the side of his body now and we wrap our legs together, laughing a little as they don't entwine as much as we'd like them to. Then we wrap each other in our arms; he has me around the waist, his arm draped across my stomach while his head rests on the edge of my shoulder. My arms are almost around his shoulders, but my hand plays in his golden hair. We watch each other a moment, both grinning like fools, and both gently caressing without thought to our action - just a gut instinct being fulfilled. I reach forward and kiss the tip of his nose then I pull back and we grin even more. He, unexpectedly, reaches forward and bites my chin in playful retaliation and then we laugh - deeply, contentedly - as we draw eacch other closer, his head slipping across my shoulder until his face is pressed into the curve of my throat. 

As I close my eyes an odd thought flits across my mind in the moments before sleep claimed me again. I wonder how long ago our bus went by... 

*

I was in the bathroom with the door open when I heard the faint ringing of my phone from the next room. Cursing it, for fear it would awaken Daniel, I hurry my business then run into the living room, diving onto my sofa and snatching up the phone. I stand and, walking over to the door of the bedroom while I hit the on button, I check on Daniel - but he is still asleep, face down in a star shape under the bed sheet. 

I bark, "O'Neill", at the caller, whoever it might be, for interrupting our solitude, crashing into our afternoon and bringing with them news of the outside world - of which we neither need, nor want, today. 

Gustov's voice crackles at the other end. "Jonathan! Arg! I finally find you! I've been calling for hours!" 

I roll my eyes. No doubt, my semi-good friend is calling to find out how events turned out yesterday. I look in at the sleeping figure and inhale deeply as I pull the door to again, effectively protecting Daniel from the gossiping caller. 

"Jonathan? Are you there *now*?" My friend's voice is impatient, maybe agitated. 

I sigh and tell him that I am as I settle myself onto the arm of my sofa. I decide that I will not tell him anything about what happened yesterday after I left him in that meeting - not even cleverly hidden information. For what Daniel and I shared, that will remain, forever, between us and very, very personal!

"Yes, I'm here, for crying out loud," I grouse, "What do you want?" I know I'm sounding snappy but, hell, he's being damn pushy - calling me, I'm assuming, to find ouut how well I scored yesterday. I rub my eye with the ball of my hand as I lean forward to rest my elbow onto my thigh. 

"We have been trying to reach you many hours!" Gustov tells me in a wheeze of a voice. 

"I've been here!"

But the truth of it was, I probably didn't hear the phone. It's been noted, on more than one occasion, that I've slept through my phone ringing. Tucked like it had been, between the back of a sofa cushion and the back of my sofa, I'm not really surprised I didn't hear it. 

I slept pretty soundly too, when I did sleep, and if he'd called in that time, with the bedroom door closed like it was, there was no way I'd have heard the phone. I try to sound more considerate in my next question, even though all I want is for the damn conversation to end, so I ask, "what can I do for you, Gustov?"

He tells me; "I call you with grave news, my friend!"

*

I'm not sure how long I've been standing here, stock still, staring out at the busy street below my window. I'm aware, disjointedly, that smoke rises from the cigarette between my fingers now, it's blue trail snakes upwards and curls in the late afternoon sun streaming through the window before dissipating, never to be seen again. 

I roll the white stick between my thumb and forefinger - once a mannerism that was so well known to me, but now just a some-what familiar action. My attention is drawn to a young couple walking together in the street and I bitterly curse them, even though they have done nothing wrong - it's just that they are allowed to 'be' that bothers me at the moment. 

I'm cold. The late-autumn wind passing through the partially open window before me doesn't do this to me. I'm cold down to my bones - like the living dead and I'm about to pass my death sentence onto Daniel. My stomach knots, so tightly I actually flinch from it, reaching one hand out to steady myself on the window frame. 

It was then that I heard the quiet creak of the bedroom door opening and I glance slightly over my shoulder to see Daniel edging himself from the room. He's standing there, dressed in nothing but his underwear again, and a nice thatch of bed hair on his head. He's unsure, I can see that in his eyes already. He passes over to me and then his eyes flick down to the cigarette in my hand then back up to me again. 

"I didn't know you smoked." 

I stare at the stub of cigarette between my fingers once more then I shrug as I draw in the last lungful of it. Reaching down, I flick it from my window, not bothered by where it might land. 

"Haven't for a long time," I mutter, more to myself than in answer to him. He makes a quiet sound, like some kind of acceptance noise as he folds his arms over his bare chest, raising one thumb up to rest against his lips. He's staring at me. I don't need to look at him to know that, but the faint reflection in the window confirms it for me, just the same. 

"Somehow," I say with a somewhat dramatic sounding sigh, even though it's totally genuine, "I think I'm about to take it up again." I glance at him only briefly as I turn and go to the sofa to sit down. That look alone should have prepared the kid for the bad news to come.

I'm sitting forward, elbows on my thighs, my hands clasped together before me when he moves across to me and, dressed like I am in nothing but underwear, he squats to look up at me.

"Jack, what's wrong?"

I know the kid isn't dumb, and let's face it, it doesn't take Einstein to know that I'm definitely uptight about something. I reach out and touch his face and immediately he nudges against my palm but his gaze never falters. I stare into those shimmering pools of blue as I tell him, "I just got some pretty bad news..." 

He blinks as he frowns, little wrinkles cover his forehead. He slips himself onto the sofa beside me and I shift my gaze to avoid looking into his eyes now, because I know what impact my next words are going to have on him. 

"I've been given my orders," I tell him in a voice that is not my own as I concentrate on my hands which are clenched together so tightly now that patches of mottled white appear on my skin. 

"I don't.." He's shaking his head, I can see that in my peripheral vision. "Orders for what?"

My throat is tight but I mutter out, "Embarkation."

"Embark..? Jack?" His voice hitches with sudden fear and realization. "You're leaving?" I clench my eyes shut as tightly as I possibly can, and in someway I'm hoping this will drown out the pain and confusion in his voice right now. "Oh.. god!" 

But it didn't! I feel him get up from beside me and I crumble, covering my face in my hands, hot tears of anger sting my eyes but don't dare fall. 

"For how long?"

//Oh god, don't ask... don't ask..//

Hands grip my wrist and yank my hands from my face. I can't avoid his eyes now. They burrow through me, his confusion starting to give into anger as well, I can tell.

"How long?" He asks again through clenched teeth this time. I silently stammer as I shake my head. Daniel literally throws my hands down in disgust as he gets to his feet again before stepping over to the window, his lean body rigid as his hands brush the long hair from his eyes. He's cursing, I suppose it's at me, but it's soft and I can't be sure.

He deserves some kind of explanation. "I had no idea..." I begin to tell him then as he swings around to look at me, his face is so flushed with anger and tears that I melt. I push myself to my feet and step over to him but he backs away, telling me not to come any closer and his hands form a barrier between us. 

//Oh god, I need him right now. I need to hold him...//

I try to reach for him once more and he slaps my hand away, but as I reach with the other hand and make contact, he stops fighting me. 

"Yesterday, when I found out what you'd actually said.. I left the base. We were due to have a meeting, it was routine around there so I thought nothing of it. I told Gustov to cover for me and left to find you..." 

He lets me gather him into my body now, but he doesn't give an inch in his resolve. 

"Gustov called this afternoon. During that meeting we were given our embarkation orders..."

Suddenly his arms wrap around my naked waist.

"He's tried to call all day..." I conclude on a soft whisper, "to tell me.." 

His fingers now dig into me as anger riles through his body - causing it to quiver - and he expelss his grief, finally, in a shuddering cry.

I close my eyes. He's only eighteen, I remind myself as he cries against my shoulder. Only eighteen - and he trusted me with the most intimate thing in his life, giving to me the most personal gift someone can give to another.... all the time I had no idea my fate was sealed! If I'd only waited until after the damn meeting to look for him!.. Well, I'd never have gone to him, that's for sure! I'd have taken this secret with me and he wouldn't be here, right now, like this.... But I didn't.. 

He *trusted* me... and now he's in my arms, crying his heart out. 

I brush my lips over his temple and I'm trying to find the words to comfort him, but I can't even comfort myself at this stage. I'm feeling all this, too, for crying out loud! Bitter tears of injustice swell at the back of my throat and suddenly I want to hit something, really hard, but I grip Daniel tighter instead and I bury my face in his long brown hair. 

Inhaling him again makes my heart do that silly thing, that skipping thing, but I wish it wouldn't! I have a feeling that recalling his smell and touch will have this affect on me for quite some time, and I can tell you now, it's damn distracting!

I stiffen as I feel him rub his face against my chest-hairs. Come on kid, I tell myself, this isn't any easier for either of us. Leaving you - after the promise of last night - is not any easier on me than it is on you, believe me!!!

My brain goes into over-drive and I start to wonder if I know the three words that might comfort him right now. I part my lips, inhaling a breath, ready to say them when I realize that telling him right now that I think I love him is only going to confuse him more, leave him hurt and with a promise of something I can't possibly give him anymore. 

I snap my mouth shut again and I cuddle him closer to me, feeling the sting of my damn dog-tags he's still wearing as they press into my sternum. Vaguely I'm aware of the metaphor of the tags crushing my heart, but I don't explore it any further. 

When he pulls away I'm surprised by how clear his eyes are. I'd imagined he was sobbing when he was just shaking. Probably anger and regret, I tell myself. I cup his face in my hands and he blinks as he swallows. 

"I had no idea," I find myself confessing to him again and this time he nods like he believes me. 

"I don't think you'd have done any of that.. if you knew.." His eyes shift focus between mine then he says, "I honestly don't think you could be that deceitful."

Part of me feels remonstrated and I believe that was his intention. If I had been that deceitful that would surely have stung me hard, but as I am totally innocent, I'm just as frustrated and angry and .. well, heartbroken (if a heart can ever really be broken, that is) as he is, and I think he sees that in my eyes now. 

Still, I shake my head as my hands squeeze his face gently. "No way," I tell him in a voice that's definitely thicker now. I watch his face twitch and I see a sudden reddening of his eyes and then the lower lashes fill with tears. He's heard it in my voice as well, I realize, and it's affected him. 

Wetting his lips, he steps back from my touch and my hands fall heavily to my sides, slapping my bare legs loudly. He gives me what I can only guess is an apologetic smile but I can see he doesn't want me to touch him. I have to respect that. 

"Can I at least stay long enough to shower?" He asks, sniffing back then swallowing the tears caught in his throat. 

"Of course!" I tell him as I move towards him but he dodges me stealthily, side stepping away and heading to the bathroom. I twist from the waist to watch him go but I don't otherwise move. 

Aww crap! This is one hell of a mess! 

*

By the time he comes out of the shower, dressed in nothing but my bath towel, I'm packing my duffle-bag. He stops at the end of the bed and holds out his closed hand to me. I'm curious so I hold mine out to him, upturned, and he carefully places the dog tags into my cupped palm. I stare at them a long moment then I put them back on without saying a word. As I look at him I see a question burning in those eyes as they survey my packing. 

I know what he's going to ask without having to hear it. "I go tonight," I tell him. "Twenty-two hundred." 

His voice hitches slightly in question as he drags his gaze from the bag and onto me. "Twenty-two hundred?"

"Ten o'clock, to you," I say, pushing more of my khaki-green underwear into the bag. 

"So soon?" His tone is soft and I look up, hopeful that he's partway to forgiving me for stealing his virginity from him, and then ripping out his heart before stomping all over it. But his next reaction shows me I'm not forgiven at all. He snorts softly then mutters, acerbically, "sure don't give you much time, do they?"

"I'm Black Ops... we don't get 'told' a heck of a lot, believe me!" I can't even try to hide my anger at my career at this point and I realize that it might come across to Daniel that I'm angry with him. "Something I'm.. really.. regretting right now.." I say, hoping he'll pick up the heart I'm holding out to him.

The room is filled with strained silence and suddenly it's like he's the adult and I'm the terrified teenager, needing his reassurances and his forgiveness. Suddenly he's so big in my eyes and even though my fears have been of ruining him for future relationships, I'm starting to wonder if he's ruined me for mine instead. I will forever fear this happening again, and I will forever compare everyone to come to him. 

"I'm regretting some stuff now too!" He mumbles as his fingers toy with the bottle of after-shave on my dresser. My heart turns to rock. It's weight causes my chest to ache and I try not to look as crushed as I feel right now. I'm pressing the revolting khaki-green clothes into my bag, intently, routinely, but without purpose. I just need something, anything, to keep my mind occupied for the next few hours...

I feel him beside me and I look up. His eyes dance across my face as he tells me, "But not us..."

I start breathing again and only come to realize that I hadn't been breathing when I suck in my first new lungful. His hand trembles against my unshaven cheek. "I'm never going to regret us, Jack. Please, believe me.."

"I stole your virginity..."

He shakes his head, looking adamant. "I gave it.." 

I'm shaking my head now too, because he's obviously not listening . I need to spell it out for him. "Because you thought we were more than.. well... going to be more than a one-night stand.."

"I still do.." 

I snap to silence again then I worry a dry spot on my bottom lip with my teeth as I frown at him. "Still.. do?"

He tilts his head then sighs though slightly parted, moist lips. "Can't we .. write to each other?" 

My heart sinks all over again as I know my next words are going to crush that glimmer of hope in his eyes. "No. Black Ops mean .. no contact.. no.. nothing, basically." 

"At all?" 

I grip his gorgeous face between my hands again and I face him. "I'm sorry, baby..."

I see his jaw clenching and I know his doing that in effort to be strong. When he does speak, his voice is quite shaky but I pretend not to notice. "How about days off? Surely you get..."

But I see the light go out behind his eyes all on its own as he reaches his own conclusion. He knows this is good bye, for forever now. Suddenly he grips me in a crushing hug and his face is buried against my throat.

"God.. Jack.."

I'm pawing at him, trying to comfort him all over again, but it's not working. My resolve crumbles enough for tears to spring to my eyes once more, but like on all other occasions, none would dare fall. I press my face into his silken hair and I exhale deeply. He shudders within my arms and I start to kiss his cheek softly. He sighs and I brush my lips over his stubble. He moans and I start to nip his chin and down his throat. Now his head is back and his throat is arched and I'm like a runaway train, unable to stop, as I stumble him backwards towards the bed and we both fall together, arms and legs grappling to touch and hold the other one last time. 

*

We're lying in bed together and I'm well aware of the time. Like a man waiting to be executed, I know each tick of the clock brings me closer to my death. Daniel's head is on my chest, his fingers touching the tags I'm wearing. "I hate these things," he mumbles then looks up at me.

"It's not their fault," I tell him as my fingers trace his face in the dimming light. I curse the darkness as it seeps in to steal us away from each other. 

"Okay, well, I hate what they stand for then.." He says, propping himself up onto his elbow on my chest. "I hate the military." 

"Right now, so do I," I say as I brush hair from his eyes. "But it's my mistress and my life... It's who I am."

Daniel looks down then up at me again. "Then I hate you, too." 

Time freezes as our eyes lock. Nothing but the infernal ticking of the clock is audible right now. He's boring through me with his painfilled eyes and I have only one response for him, "I hate me too, kid," I mutter. Suddenly his face contorts as he vigilantly fights back tears. "No, no.." I whisper as he fights bravely but to no avail, deciding, I gather, to hide his face against mine so that I can't see him instead. I kiss his face repeatedly and, when they finally fall, I taste the salty tears on his cheek. "Oh.. Baby.." 

He sobs soundly then his lips brush my ear as he repeats, softly and tearfully, "I hate you, Jack.." He sighs forlornly, "with every fiber of my being..." 

I nod as I hug him closer to me, understanding exactly what he is saying despite the words he's used. 

// I love you too, Daniel//

I feel his whole body shake with his sudden inhale of breath. He's covering my cheek in small kisses as he slowly makes his way to my mouth. I taste the tears as he plunges his tongue deep inside, killing me with the passion in his searing kiss. I respond with a needful urgency, my own tongue scraping around his mouth, desperate to map every single spec of him so that I don't forget....

I don't know that I will ever kiss like that with anyone else ever again. Right now, I never want to find out. I only want him but I'm aware of the late hour and I still have to shower and shave. Reluctantly I press him back and he looks at me through half-closed eyes as he breathes heavily. 

"I need to start getting ready," I tell him. He sighs then nods and rolls off me without any further argument. For some reason that seems strange, but I can't put my finger quite on it, and probably never will. 

We shower together and then he watches me shave, telling me how sexy I am when I do that. I don't think I'll ever shave the same way again. Whenever I shave in future I'll remember his blue eyes watching me intently in the mirror as he stands behind me, his hands running up and down my body and burrowing under my towel until it's worked loose and falls from me. With a cheeky smile and a little, "Ooops," his hand starts fondling my already growing shaft again. Then he holds me at the hips and drops to his knees before me. I gasp and grip the hand basin for support as he swallows me, allowing me to grow rigid in his hot, sexy mouth. Soon he has me screaming out and then he cleans me up, diligently mopping up any leftovers with his tongue. Standing again he presses his forehead to mine and whispers, "I'm sorry. I just wanted one last taste..." 

One last taste. 

I nod and kiss the tip of his nose. "Know how you feel, baby," I mutter as I turn back to the mirror and resume my shaving, only by this time my hands are shaking. I stop, dropping the razor into the sink then I lower my head. He runs his hand across my back as he rests his chin on my shoulder. With more confidence than I thought possible, he says to me, "Jack, this is not good-bye. I refuse to believe that. When you're through, I'll still be here.."

"Where?" I know I sound desperate. 

"Here, in this town..." He assures me. I nod but say nothing. No one stays in this town, not if they can help it. And he's a bright kid. What's an Archaeologist and Linguist going to do in *this* town, year in, year out? He continues, "So if you're ever this way again.. Look me up."

I try to smile but I can't. This is so unfair. I feel my finger-hold on the situation slipping, like a person hanging precariously over the edge, their only salvation is the grip of a friend. My hands are slipping, though, and we both know it. He silently picks up the razor and finishes the job I can't bring myself to complete. When he thinks he's finished he wets a face-washer and presses it to my skin. I sigh softly as the heated cloth is peeled from my tender face. He looks at his handy work and smiles. Then he takes my hand and leads me to the bedroom. 

I dress slowly, like a man condemned. He dresses beside me, and neither of us say a word. When we are both ready, I gather my duffle-bag and toss it over my shoulder as we move out to the living room. I cast one final eye over my belongings, knowing that Base will send someone in the morning to come and pack up my stuff and store it until my return - if I return. Or ship it on to my new base, my new home.. my new life. 

Daniel grabs his bag as well and we step out of our haven - leaving behind what should have been the promise of something fantastic. Shutting the door wasn't as hard as I thought it might be, but that's because Daniel is still beside me. We move off to the car together, still no word spoken then, as we reach my car I whistle, catching his attention. 

"You drive," I tell him as I throw my keys across to him. 

"Are you sure?" He asks and I shrug. 

"Why not. May as well know how to drive your own car..." I say as casually as I can while loading the bag into the trunk. He stammers then looks at me with wide, blue eyes.

"Jack?"

"It's only going into storage, and that's dumb," I say with another nonchalant shrug then continue, "besides, you need it for university. Don't want you catching the bus, never know what might happen..." 

He stops and smiles at me. "You sure?" He knows by now that I am, he's just reaffirming. 

I nod. It's great to see his smile and to know that a part of me will always be with him, keeping him dry from the rain. As we get into the car I reach for the papers in the glove compartment. I pick up a pen off the floor and I scribble out the New Ownership part of the Registration papers, claiming he paid me three hundred dollars for it. When I tell him that we both laugh and he tells me he was a fool to pay so much! 

As we near the base the tension grows between us again. The silence is palpable and I'm sure the thudding of my heart is audible. We're approaching the last turn before the highway that takes us right to the gates. I ask Daniel to pull over and he obeys me instantly, easing the car into the ditch. He shuts off the lights and we sit, in the darkness, our hands touching, fingers entwining as emotions rise within us again. 

"Not good-bye, remember that, Jack!" Daniel says with a tear-thick voice. 

I nod but he can't see that. So I bring his palm to my lips and I kiss it. "Not goodbye.." 

"I know.... right here.." He tugs my hand and places it over his stomach, "I *know* we're destined to meet again.."

Ah, the faith of youth! The innocence.. The belief that if you're a good person, good things will happen to you.

"Be good, Danny.." I tell him, hearing the shake in my own voice now. 

"If I can't be good, should I be careful?" He teases.

"I mean - as an Archaeologist, not as a person in general! Follow your beliefs.... You'll knock Academia on its butt!" 

He laughs softly beside me. "Not what I want to do, I only want to wake them up a bit, but I'll settle for that ..."

My hand cups his face and we reach for our last kiss. It's slow, meant to last us a lifetime.. Slow, deep, seeking tongues tangle within the moist caverns. All too soon, it's over and we can't repeat it. The traffic is coming in behind us now and I can't risk being seen here like this. 

He seems aware of it too as he settles into his seat and starts the engine once more. Waiting for the trail of cars to pass - all heading in the same direction, all members of my team - Daniel turns to me and says, "You be good too, Jack." 

"I'll try," I say then we both laugh at the absurd notion. He tugs on the steering wheel and we take off jerkily. He confesses to feeling nervous about driving without a license but he's doing fine. 

The car slows at the front gates and we are watched by the men in the guard house. I look at Danny and he at me. 

"Bye."

"Bye."

I climb out and, after removing my bag from the trunk, I pat the roof and watch the car drive off smoothly. The kid's finally got the hang of the clutch by the looks of it! I nod at the guards as I pass through the gates, wondering if Daniel felt as lonely as I did right now.

THE END

* * *


	3. JD Slash The Bus Trip Epilogue AU SG1

Rating: NC- 17- Slash (male/male relationship)  
Pairings: Jack Daniel   
Category: AU. Angst. Scenes taken from the movie: Stargate  
Status: Complete  
Date: 30th October, 2000  
Feedback: nessessitee@hotmail.com

**************  
THE BUS TRIP - Epilogue  
By Nessessitee

I must have read the name on the file at least a hundred times. Dr. Daniel Jackson. Could it be the same one? How many years has it been now? At least thirteen, by my reckoning. When I went back to the town many months later, he was gone. I tried his old apartment but no one had heard of him. I went to the University, but they wouldn't give me a forwarding address. I couldn't remember any names of his friends, so I was at a dead end. I thought, 'the kid's moved on,' and from that point in my life, I tried to move on, too. I missed him, I *really* missed him, and I thought about him often - in the beginning..... but, like with all things in life, you change and with change comes 'forgetfulness'. 

I shake myself. This is stupid, I say as I stand behind the desk of the temporary quarters I've been assigned to by General West. It can't be him. Yet looking down at the dossier opened before me of the 'expert' Dr Langford had brought in on this ludicrous assignment I can't help but wonder. Something within that too-small type catches my attention and I sink to my seat, intently reading the file and becoming more and more sure that this man, this so-called Genius, who'd been ridiculed and laughed out of academia, was the same person I knew all those years ago. 

I find I'm drifting in my thoughts. I can't, for the life of me, recall his face or recollect any feature of him at this moment - yet I once knew him so well. Despite this shortfall, merely thinking about him again fills me with a warmth that I can't quite fathom at the moment - it's like a soft warm breeze over my face and body that isn't tangible, but felt, just the same. I'm also recalling something Sara once said to me. 

//_Our mind often forgets things our heart never can, Jack..._// 

I can't recall what conversation we were having at the time, but the words make more sense to me now. 

His file is in my hands - minus his picture which is yet to come from upstairs where they are processing it still. Curiosity is getting the better of me now, I'm really starting to wonder what he looks like. After reading this dossier, I have a fair idea what he'd been doing the past few years - being laughed at, being shunned by his society - but the kid still held in there! He was *still* tenacious... 

I mumble to myself, "Well, the kid really *did* have the balls..."

I realize now that I'm smiling fondly, almost proudly, as I read about him. These words - acerbic attacks of his beliefs, his theories, his life-work - do nothing to lessen my opinion on him, an opinion long buried and, I'd thought, forgotten. But it comes flooding around me, like a soft wind, conjuring up memories I hadn't drawn on in years, reminding me of a person who, without my ever acknowledging it, shaped my whole life until now. 

I grab up my cigarettes - a permanent friend since the night I left him I realize *now* - and I leave my rooms. I stride down the corridors, the oppressing gray walls close in on me the closer I get to the room. 

I hear his voice before I even see him and some trigger releases in my head, setting forth ancient memories that now tumble forward in my head and slam up behind my eyes. In my mind I recall his smile and I hear his laughter - and slowly his face begins to appear before me - like some misty memory, slowly awakening my thoughts, memories and feelings of this boy... 

His soft voice flutters over me like a velvet blanket as I step into the room now. He is there, standing there talking to a short, dumpy woman. His hair is longer and darker, but apart from that, he looks the same. It isn't until he faces me that I am one hundred percent sure, though. There is still such an innocence to his face even though he is now older than I had been back when we first met. I realize I'm holding my breath.

I make sure I punch my name when I say it, but he doesn't seem to flinch. Perhaps he didn't hear me, I thought, because he showed no iota of recognition by the looks of it as he turns back to the woman and speaks to her in soft tones once more. 

"That's classified," I snap, insulted that he hasn't recognized me when, even after all these years, all I needed was his name, for crying out loud!

He looks a little bemused then and eyes me cautiously, and I see curiosity swelling behind his eyes. I turn to speak to Lt. Feretti, instructing him that no one was to be told anything without my say-so before I make a point of looking back at him. Our eyes meet again and for a flicker of a second I see recognition in his azure gaze. But he turns away again and so do I. 

I turn and leave the room. 

*

I'm sitting here, folders and dossiers opened before me but I read nothing of them. I stare at the gray wall, recalling my son's beautiful face. I recall his enlightening smile, his innocence, his trusting eyes and I suddenly realize *who* it is that he's reminded me of all these years.

Odd to think about it now, but there were times when he was growing up that Charlie sparked a faint memory within me, and all the time I could never quite put my finger on what it was I was seeking to recall. Like an aroma that conjures up a feeling or a certain warmth from one's past but not an image from it - Charlie and his innocence did that to me several times. Now I see that it was Daniel that he was reminding me of, even though they don't look similar at all. It was something about their innocence, their trust, that tied them together in my mind. 

Even after my marriage I occasionally thought about him - but it was always with a level of guilt that made me uncomfortable, and a little on edge. Recalling the incredible time we shared was poisoned in my mind by the abrupt ending - and the 'pain' that I caused him that day lives with me even now. But over the years the guilt, the pain, lessened - but only at the sacrifice of the memories. I stopped thinking about him, stopped recalling what it felt like to be with him.... and I lost myself in Sara instead - and when we were blessed with him, in Charlie too.

The last time I can consciously remember thinking about Daniel was when I was tucking Charlie into bed one night, he was about seven at the time, and he asked if it was alright that he didn't like girls. At first I thought nothing of his question, I just kissed his forehead and told him that it was okay not to like girls at his age. He asked if he had to play kiss-chasey at lunchtimes with the bigger boys and girls that he had befriended, and I told him that he didn't. He seemed relieved and the smile he gave me sent a flood of warmth throughout my body - there was such trust, such innocence in his smile. I did tell him, though, that there might come a time when he wanted to play kiss-chasey and to leave his options open. He told me that he would and we hugged before I switched off the light and went downstairs to help with the dishes. 

Standing in the kitchen I thought about Daniel for the first time in a long time.. though I couldn't recall him even by then. Couldn't really *see* him in my mind's eye. He was just a warm memory. What I could recall, with vividness, was his trust and his innocence and I suddenly felt a gnawing in the pit of my stomach over how I'd betrayed those qualities in him. My stomach knotted as I thought that no matter what Charlie decided as an adult, I only hoped he had a better introduction to sex than I gave Daniel. It didn't bother me what orientation Charlie grew up with, I just wanted someone to treat him 'right' when the time came... male or female! I suddenly saw in Charlie a level of Daniel's innocence and my guilt choked me. Sara had come in at that moment and I took her straight up to our room and I made love to her, as gently and as lovingly as I could, trying to cleanse my mind of it's guilt. It must have worked because the guilt went away - and I stopped thinking about Daniel. 

But now, with hindsight, I can see that Daniel and Charlie were more similar than I could ever have known because it was these two people, and these two people *alone* - whom I have loved my entire life. I start to feel a tremble within my body that I don't even bother to try to shake off as, for once, I begin to be honest with myself.

Since Charlie's death, I can't help but wonder if I'm destined to be alone for the rest of my life. An odd thing to think when you realize that I'm a married man. 

I cover my face now as I think about Sara. The suffering she went through during the sham of a marriage that I really believe that, even today, I tried to make work. I gave it all I could, it was just I didn't have much to give it- and I never even knew why, really. That part of it - the part of distancing myself from those I thought I loved so that bad things didn't happen to them - I didn't understand until right *now*. And now, now it's too late. She'll be gone by the time I return home, I know that. I saw it in her green eyes the last time I looked at her. I saw the pain, the questions that came, unbidden, to her mind when she said good-bye.

//Where did we go wrong?//

The painful thing was, she never failed me. As a wife or a lover, or a mother - she was the best. It was me. I always feared that what happened that night with Daniel would happen again - *if* I allowed myself to get too close. So I guess I kept my distance. I may have said all the right things, and sometimes maybe I even thought I *felt* them too, but it's so easy to see now that what I gave wasn't half of what I got in return from her. Back then I didn't know it was 'because' of Daniel himself and not because of what had happened when I let myself get too close to him.

When Sara got pregnant soon after our first anniversary things changed. Now, I thought, we are a *family* - the military won't tear us apart and no way will Sara leave me now! I got out of Special Ops so that I had a greater chance of actually seeing this kid grow up! Sara was very happy. It meant I came home on the weekends a lot more often. When I got assigned to the desk job in the town where we were stationed, she was even happier. I wasn't, but I had a 'family' to think about here! 

So life kicked over routinely and I even began to give in to the dream of what it could be like. Despite my dissatisfaction with my career at that point, *we* - as a family unit - were happy and I don't think that was a facade. Charlie was the cement I needed to 'believe' things might last for us. He was the reason I went to work each day behind the desk and he was the reason I came home each night. The problem was I stopped thinking of Sara and me as a couple and only thought of us in terms of a 'family'. We did nothing without Charlie and, for a while, Sara didn't seem to mind that. 

But as he got older, and less dependant on me, my job seemed to grow more and more frustrating. I began to buck the system, began to lose it a little. Finally, I told Sara I needed to get back into the action. She took the news a lot better than I thought she would, just nodded and told me to do whatever made me 'happy again'. I didn't think about the choice of words she used at the time, but I did recall them a long while later...

We were sitting in bed, she was reading whatever book she used to read, and I was reading a book whose words and pages I don't recall anymore. I was home from a recent covert mission and somehow the serenity of 'home life' seemed weird - like I was play acting in someone else's life. 

We were keeping to our own sides of the beds, as we so often did those days - rarely did we have sex and the only kiss we exchanged apart from that was on my return or departure. We were, I thought, settled into this routine of allowing the other to do their own thing. She, on the other hand, thought otherwise. I can recall it now as if it were yesterday, and in truth, it wasn't that long ago really. It was just before Charlie's death, she sat beside me and, putting down her book down into her lap, asked if I ever really saw her anymore. 

I wasn't sure what to answer because as I turned to look at her, I realized how much older she was looking. I hadn't noticed that, she was always the same age to me, but I suddenly saw her sallow cheeks, the lines around her eyes, the tightness in her mouth. That, in itself, was enough to tell me that 'no', I did not see her anymore. She was always just *there*. Perhaps, maybe, I shouldn't have told her that - should've have made up another answer, but I was conditioned to tell the truth and I didn't like to lie to her... 

We argued that night and it was the first of many hateful arguments about how I never seem to be home, even when I was. That I seemed to live totally for my career and how I always concentrated on Charlie when I came back. He was the first thing I asked about the minute I walked in the door. I hadn't thought about it, but perhaps she was right. 

Four nights later we made love for the first time in a long time and while satisfying, it didn't set the bed-sheets on fire. I knew then that something was missing - and I hadn't even noticed it before.

We argued so much after Charlie's death and my own guilt, my grief, tore at us like nothing else on earth could have. While she needed me more, tried to reach for me, to touch me, to hold me... I backed off. 

My old fears returned and it seemed that everything I truly love was taken from me. This was no longer a family unit, this was two people - perhaps not even two people in love anymore - trying to piece together shattered lives amongst debris...

And I blamed all the wrong things for this when the truth was now hitting me in the face, slapping at me like a pair of hands did so many years ago.. trying to push me away - to stop me from touching ......*him*.... 

I sense I'm on the verge of discovering something here, but I don't get the chance to find out what it is before there's a soft knock on my door and I call the person in without looking up. When I do I almost stumble to my feet as Daniel steps inside, looking at once lost and unsure like he had that afternoon in my living room. 

"Jack?" He tilts his head and stares at me from behind large round frames. 

I smile, and resist the urge to hug him with every fiber of my being....

//I hate you with every fiber of my being...//

"Daniel Jackson..." 

"Oh, my god! That *is* you!" He squeaks, making me laugh, for probably the first time in a very long time. He steps forward and we don't seem to quite know how to greet each other. He looks like he could hug, but decides against it, instead he juts out his hand before yanking it back then, seeing I was about to shake his hand, he juts it out once again. We both laugh at our awkwardness as we finally shake hands then he shoves his hands deep into his coat pockets and stands there, smiling shyly at me. 

"Look at you! You haven't changed!" he erupts after a small pause, throwing his hands up in some kind of appraisal of my appearance. I arch a brow at him and he chuckles, dipping his face shyly. "Okay, maybe a little.." 

"I've aged, Daniel." It's true. While not so much physically, definitely mentally. Losing a kid will do that to you. Kind of makes you shut down a while. Still, I wave my hand at my head and mutter, "Hair's still the same color but there's a little less of it now." I run my hand over my newly shorn head which, up until a few hours ago, sported a mane that would have put Daniel's to shame. It wasn't until they shaved it that I noted how hard my face had become, how permanent a few of my frown lines were now, how the dimples in my cheeks were now permanent creases instead. Not that it was something that bothered me, it was just something I noticed. 

"If you want to talk about someone not changing, it's you!" I say, tossing my hand towards the bunk bed in some sloppy invitation to him to sit down. He goes over and sits immediately. As I'm about to sit myself, I ask him, "Isn't that the same coat you used to wear to university?"

Daniel tugs at his coat, looking at it like he'd never really seen it before. "No," he says, and I start laughing. He looks up and tells me, "I left that one in your apartment that night...."

I stop laughing. His eyes, crystal blue and shimmering even in this light, even with these dull walls, hold me mesmerized. We're quiet for a long time and he laces his hands before him, then lowers his face like he's begun to believe he's just said the wrong thing to me. I stare at the dark blond hair, the long bangs that still flop into his eyes. Mentally I'm groping for something to say. 

"I see you stood up to academia..." Then I cringe as he looks up, his desolate look saying everything. 

"And I think it's me who's been knocked on his butt.." He mumbles, shifting back and leaning against the wall, dragging his knees to his chest and hooking his arms around them to keep them there. 

"Dr Langford believes in you..." I say, unable to meet his eyes. 

He snorts then mutters sardonically, "well, she doesn't know me!" 

I look up at him and I'm surprised by the bitterness in his voice that's aimed at himself. I recall the kid I knew and I remember him being shy, but he had a certain quiet confidence about himself, and a little cheekiness if I remember him right! The man he's become however, seems a lot less sure of himself, folded up like he is on my bed. To be fair, the kid he was wasn't as world weary as the man he's become. Daniel has certainly been dragged through the mire over his beliefs, if some of the scathing reports I read in his dossier were any guide for judgment. Still, you'd think he'd have some confidence in himself, he's a goddamn genius, for crying out loud!!! 

"I just got here a few hours ago," he went on to explain, and I note that perhaps his viciousness is more to do with being tired than any self-rebuke, as he yawns while he tells me, "we've hardly spoken really." Then he rubs his hand over his face, dislodging the glasses as he sighs before replacing them once more on his nose. On a tired whisper he says apologetically, "I haven't slept in days. All I really want to do is find out what it is this Dr Langford wants from me then I want to fall asleep, in someplace warm!"

I look around the cold cell I'm in then I check my watch before I rise from my chair and go over to grab my leather bomber jacket from the hook behind the door. Unfastening the top two buttons of my shirt, I tell him, "Come on," as I pat his shoulder and encourage him to stand. "Let's hit the town.."

"Jack, I'm meant to be working here.." He tells me. I shrug as I thrust my hands in my pockets. With a soft laugh he looks from the door to me again, "I'm sure they expect me to stay *here*, at least a few hours until they can fully explain what it is they want me to do for them. I know it's something to do with that ancient cover-stone and something to do with what they found under it, but ..." He shrugs, looking up at me with large blue eyes, like he wondered if I had any news to tell him. 

I sigh. "This is the military, Daniel. They're gonna tell you squat!"

Our eyes meet again and I'm sure he's recalling our abrupt tryst just like I am. I reach forward now, grip his upper arm and lift him to his feet. "And when they do get around to telling you, they expect you to drop everything for them..." He blinks quickly then looks down. I pat his shoulder again. "So, until that time comes, let's go out and enjoy ourselves..."

*

We head to the elevators together and I sign him out, before jerking my head and silently indicating for him to follow me again. We make it into town without much more than chit-chat but once we're settled at a table in O'Malley's I ask him, "how long did you stay in Chicago?" 

Daniel lifts his beer to his lips and shrugs. "Until the end of my course - a few months."

I nod and swallow a mouthful of bitter amber fluid. "I went back, you know.."

His eyes went wide. "No!? When?"

"After Christmas..." I say, toying with the frost down the side of my beer mug. 

"Christmas? I left on the 23rd..." he tells me. I close my eyes slowly and groan while he laughs and says, "We just had really lousy timing, huh!" He says it so innocently as he pops some peanuts into his mouth. I'm staring at him when he looks back. He seems aware of this and lowers his eyes. 

"So, tell me the Reader's Digest version of the Jack O'Neill story.." He asks as he lifts his beer and then sips it, finally meeting my eyes over the rim of his mug.

I shrug, then pop some peanuts into my mouth as I say, "I went back to town, you were gone so I started dating Sara from the bus instead..."

"Because I was gone..?" He asks, cynicism on the tip of his words. I look at him then shrug once more. 

"Well, I got lonely," I try to sound flippant. He smiles, for which I'm grateful then with a cheeky chuckle he asks me how many other people did I date from the bus. 

"Just you and her..." 

He seems to rock in his chair uneasily as he says, "but we didn't really date.. did we? We just by-passed all that and went straight to the bedroom..." 

When I look up at him, I think I see resentment in his eyes. I lower my voice as I say, "well, she and I did that, too..."

"Ah," he comments with a nod as he studies the table cloth before him. 

"And then we got married..." I say and watch his head snap up, his azure eyes wide and staring. 

"Oh!" he says after a few short moments. A smile twitches at the corners of my mouth but I'm not sure if he's surprised or angry now so I lose the smile - fast. 

"Ah... Married?" He stammers then tilts his head to the side as his brow furrows slightly.

"Yeah!" I have to look down at my hands. I can't read his expressions anymore so I don't know if he's surprised, shocked or mortified. I'm betting it's mortified as I have always felt guilty for doing what I did to him - imagining that I'd left him scarred somehow. Not that I thought I was all that, you understand, but the kid trusted me.. and I voided that trust the minute I got out of that car and walked away from him. How was he meant to trust again after all that I'd promised him yet proved, within a few short hours, that something *else* meant more to me than he ever could. 

Still, he has asked about my life, and I'm just telling him. I'm not sure how it's affecting him, to be honest, as he sits there probably imagining me skipping through life with a pretty new bride at my side. I gulp as I make one final disclosure; " And we had a boy, Charlie..." 

I almost hear the thud as the final blow hits him. "Oh.. god.." He looks at me and slowly he tilts his head. "Charlie?"

I nod, knowing what he's thinking right now. And who wouldn't? My kid's got his middle name. "Actually," I tell him in all honesty, "Sara named him."

I realize that sounded a little harsher than I'd intended it to and I regret the look in his eyes before he lowers his face now. I wet my lips quickly before toying with the frost on my glass once more. "But Charlie died a year ago now..." 

"Oh.. God!" His voice sounds strained with empathy now. I look into his eyes then as I inhale deeply I'm hit by his scent. After all these years....... I'm discovering that a whiff of his scent still makes my heart suddenly flutter. 

"Danny, it's fine.." I try to ease his look slightly and bring my own thoughts back to reality again. He nods and looks away, but soon he's looking back at me, like he can't keep his eyes off me. Perhaps I'm just being hopeful here. Perhaps, for him, it's a little like a car-wreck instead! 

"So you and Sara are still...?"

"No," I say on a sigh then I drain my glass of its contents. "We're in the process of separating.." 

"Process?"

"Yeah." I roll my eyes as I sit back, hooking my arm over the back of my chair. "We're at the 'no-speaking', 'no-tolerance', stage at the moment..."

I hear his inhale of breath then he leans forward in his seat, looking up at me from under long lashes. "Jack, I'm so sorry..."

"Yeah.." I say softly as I lower my face, resting my chin on my chest. We were silent a moment then I tilt my face to gaze across the table at him. He's met my eyes and we both smile. "So now I'm wondering about you..?"

"Well," he begins, in a self-effacing manner, "Much like my career, my private life is in tatters, too. I guess I wasn't so 'good' after all, Jack.."

I was amazed by the things this kid.. this man... remembers from back then, but why should I be? The whole thing is filtering through my every thought. Words we said to each other, things we did, confidences we shared - all fill my thoughts and send tendrils of warmth throughout me, rekindling a part of my heart I thought was long dead. I drop my face again. 

"Maybe they just weren't ready for you," I suggest quietly, guilt strangling my words. 

Daniel's eyes go wide behind the lenses then he blinks quickly as he tilts his face to look at me. "My lovers or Academia?" He asks in a low, soft voice. 

Chewing on the inside of my mouth, I shrug. "Both?"

He did that thing with his eyes again, not quite a roll but not so much of a brow raise either - I recall vividly how he used to do it a lot when he didn't quite buy what I was telling him. 

"Somehow I think it was me that wasn't ready for them," he mumbles. I sit there, staring at the top of his head a while, watching him feeling shy, perhaps ashamed, by this confession. 

"Tell me something," I say in a low voice. His face lifts once more and tilts slightly. "These ... lovers?" I have no right to be curious but I suddenly am. 

"What about them?" He asks, his voice as soft and deep as my own and it's like we're in this surreal bubble of time, enveloping us from the outside world. 

"Male or female?" I surprise myself with my brashness. 

With a wry smile he lowers his voice as he confesses, "Men. Only... men.." He gulps down a mouthful of beer now, looking embarrassed again. 

"So," I say, trying to lift his veil of blush from his cheeks with a friendly jibe, "no more Mrs. Robinsons then?" I am referring to, of course, his older woman and I surprise myself that I can recall that conversation so vividly now. 

His head is bowed and his shoulders start to shake as he laughs quietly, then he swipes at his eye with his thumb. His head is still bowed as he mumbles against his chest, "oh, no! Definitely not. I just didn't find women attractive after...." He looks up and somehow seems a little startled to see me there - almost like he'd forgotten who it was he was talking to. It seems to me that his eyes grow wide as his mind finally realizes, I think, what his mouth was about to reveal. Perhaps it's wishful thinking at this stage, but when he says, ".. her.." I simply don't believe him. 

I make a point of letting him know that as I fondle my glass and say, "ah.." 

When he settles back in his chair then looks around the restaurant, I'm sure it's to avoid talking to me a moment while he lets some of his self-consciousness die down. So I remain silent too, watching him from the corner of my eyes while assessing the damage I did to this kid all those years ago. Maybe I've been wrong all this time? Maybe, in a way, his introduction to male lovers *might* have been successful - as, by his own confession - he preferred men, so perhaps my damage wasn't *that* bad? 

I take a moment to allow myself to believe that thought, then I glance at him. His eyes, which have obviously been watching me, divert the instant I look at him. My stomach flips. For crying out loud, who am I kidding? The man can barely breath from embarrassment at the moment recalling his failed love life and if I wasn't to blame for that disaster - introducing him like I did, with promises of trust and gentleness only to rip his heart out the next day, all at the vulnerable age of eighteen - then I don't know what else is! Being introduced like that - giving up so much - only to have it thrown back in his face the next day like it was some unwanted rag, it must have had an affect on him - must have taught him to be unsure. He was probably gun-shy of having his heart ripped out again by some heartless bastard... 

He's watching me from across the table again and I'm wondering now if he's silently cursing me for doing that to him. I know I'd hate the man who did that to Charlie... should he have- 

I bow my head and I sigh, heavily. 

"Don't.." His voice is soft but determined. 

"Don't what?" I ask, looking up slowly at him. 

"Blame yourself.."

"I wasn't," I protest, even though I was and the fact that he knew I would be only shows me how well he still knows me. 

As his plate is placed before him, he shifts his cutlery around a little then waits until my plate is placed and the waiter departed, until he says, "I've always known why the relationships failed. It was me."

Hey, I've been with him, there was nothing wrong with him performance wise... so there's that old gun-shy thing, hitting me in the face. God, I hate being right sometimes! So what do I do? 

"Why you?" I argue with him now (like that's going to help him) as I drop my napkin into my lap. "It takes two to tango.." 

He stares at me silently and, of course, I see his sullenness as a challenge so I tilt my head a fraction as I try to read his expression. Then, lost in those blue eyes, my subconscious finally reveals the last of my hazy puzzle to me - I wasn't distant from Sara all these years because I feared losing her if I got too close..... I just wasn't 'there' with her! My heart was just always somewhere else and it wasn't until now - until *right* now - that I know that...

My grip on my cutlery tightens and I start to shiver throughout as my mind teases me now, taunting me with the truth - I have always been in love with Daniel. 

//Good going, O'Neill! You have a lifetime of marriage behind you and it's only NOW realize that you were always in love with someone else....//

His blue eyes hold me spellbound as I come to realize that my feelings for him never went away - they were merely 'forgotten' in my attempt to be what I thought I 'should' be - for Sara, for Charlie, for my career...

Oh, god! What a time for an epiphany! To top it, if that realization *could* be topped at this moment, I know that he certainly doesn't feel the same about me. In short, he must hate me for what I did to him...

He gives a soft sigh as he lowers his eyes, hiding them behind long, golden lashes, then he starts toying at his food with his fork. "That's the point," he continues to tell me, in a fatalistic tone, why his relationships never worked: "it was my fault. I was never really there..."

*

I splash water on my face and stare at the reflection in the mirror. 

//God, O'Neill, what on earth did you do to this kid?// 

Nothing I hadn't done to myself, I know, but he went through the past few years fully aware that he wouldn't love again. Me? I was too much of a coward to face myself so I blocked it in my mind, and never tried to find a reason for my distance, other than to blame the military for it.. and some stupid belief in a 'family curse'. No O'Neill, it seemed, was allowed to be happy... 

Daniel enters the men's room behind me and I watch his reflection. He strides across with confidence but it isn't in his eyes. His azure gaze is full of concern. 

"Jack, I'm sorry," he begins to tell me, "I'm tired and I'm ... Well, actually I'm not quite sure what it was that I said that was so wrong, but I know I said something that made you jump up and run off like that.. and I'm sorry.." He's rambling a little, one hand flinging out while one remains on his hip. When he finally stops his tirade he bites his lips together then tilts his head at my reflection. 

I grip the edge of the basin as I lower my face. I can't take any more of his honesty, or his belief that everything wrong is his fault. "You did nothing wrong.."

"Come on!" He scoffs sarcastically. "I'm talking and suddenly you jump up and practically bowl over a waiter to get away from me..." 

"It wasn't you.."

"Then tell me..!" His voice is strained but soft. When I'm brave enough to face him I see his brow is set in a frown, his eyes sharp and blue. They seem to soften when he sees my eyes. "Jack, oh god.. Look I'm sorry. This is wrong.. this is all wrong.. I'm probably bringing back memories you thought were dead and buried, I'm so sorry!" He shakes his head as he turns towards the door, telling me, "I'll tell Dr Langford I can't work on this project.." 

He's out of the restaurant even before I can get back to our table. I grab my jacket from the back of my chair and go to follow him, but the waiter catches me and I'm reminded about the check. Cursing softly under my breath, I pay and tell them over and over again that there was nothing wrong with our untouched dinners, it was just we weren't that hungry after all. 

On the street I'm relieved to find him there, arms across his chest, waiting, it seems, for me. I stride up to him and he lifts his face up.

"I need a ride," he tells me, "back to the base, if you don't mind."

"Daniel.." I start to say but he blocks me with a hand. 

"Jack, I'm tired. Can we, please, not talk about it."

I shrug then we head to the car, but we are going to talk about this. Just not out here, in public. 

*

Daniel's sullen in the seat beside me, his arms held tightly across his chest, his head bowed and his eyes shut. This kid.. this 'man'... surely doesn't want to talk so I leave him alone. It's not until I pull the car up that I realize he's been so quiet because he's been asleep. He jerks awake then looks around at the unfamiliar surroundings. He turns to me. 

"Where are we?" 

"We need to talk.." Is all I say as I get out of the car and head to the front office of the roadside motel on the very out-skirts of Colorado Springs. I sign us into a twin room and step onto the porch. Daniel is waiting in the car but he gets out now and follows me, wordlessly, to the room. 

It's a flea-trap, and I begin to wonder if I should have sprung for a better class of motel, but this one is anonymous at least. I hear him shut the door behind us as I reach for the bedside lamp and switch it on. Tossing the keys onto the bed I look at him. His hands are on his hips, his mouth is tight. 

"There's no way we can discuss what we need to discuss back at the base," I tell him casually, shrugging off my jacket and laying it on the foot of one of the beds. I reach for the only chair in the room, turn it around and straddle it. I rest my chin on my folded arms along its back. Daniel looks around then sits on the foot of the other bed, his hands in his lap. 

"Is it any more private here?" He wonders, apparently unintentionally aloud as he suddenly looks at me with a little surprise in his eyes. 

"There's no one either side of us, I made sure of that," I tell him. In truth, there's no one in the whole place, apart from the over-weight, singlet-wearing man in the front office, and I doubt anything could drag him from his television set - I had enough trouble getting his attention when I was standing in his damn office! 

Daniel nods at this news then sighs as he leans back onto out-stretched arms. 

"I meant what I said," he comments without looking at me. "I'll tell Dr Langford that I can't help her.."

"Don't be a fool, Daniel," I say with a strained sigh. He looks at me now, his eyes wide and innocent once more. "They need the best..." I tell him, feeling a smile twitching the corners of my mouth. 

"You seriously can't mean that!"

"I've read your dossier. You've done everything you told me you wanted to do, you stood up to the Academics.."

"And I've been ostracized because of it," he erupts passionately and I'm not sure if it's from anger or embarrassment. He's standing now, pacing a little. "Jack, please. This is.. hard enough.."

"Why?"

"Why?" He asks in disbelief. "Look at you then look at me! You're a colonel in the US air force, you're married, you've raised a child... I'm some failure who can't get people to sit in a room long enough to convince them of my beliefs.."

"You're no failure, Daniel!"

He snorts. "Jack, I only came here because I have nothing! I have no home, no money and my Grants have all run out. Everything I own - *everything*- is in two suitcases back at the base.." His face is flushed and even the tips of his ears are red. I think back to his apartment when I knew him all those years ago - all his books, all his belongings... all gone now? I know he's looking at me until I look at him and then he diverts his eyes away. 

"Possessions don't equate to success.." I tell him - from experience. He's shaking his head at me. 

"So says a man who has it all..." He mutters. 

"Had.." I correct him and suddenly he looks at me with more regret than anyone looked at me at Charlie's funeral. 

"Oh, Jack.." He sighs, mortified at his own insensitivity, I bet. I stand and cross to him and he rolls his eyes as, if I know him and I realize now that I do, he mentally berates himself.

I search the features on his face. Reacquaint myself with the shape of his eyes, the line of his nose, the pout of his lips. He's more handsome now than he was when I knew him. His face has a sharpness to it that it didn't have before. His jaw is stronger. His eyes seem to be wiser, and I believe, a little sadder. 

"I'm sorry to hear about your son.." he says in a tight voice as he finally flicks his eyes towards me again. 

I nod, captivated in the depths of the blue. "Thank you."

He swallows. "Can I ask what happened?" 

With a sigh, I say, "Charlie..." then the strength goes out of my voice as I feel weak at the memory of that day. "He.. he.. killed himself in his bedroom ... with my hand gun. He was ten.." 

His eyes go wide. "Oh.. Jesus..." Without warning he grabs me and hugs me tightly as he whispers again, "I'm so sorry, Jack." 

Despite the circumstance, I find my skin tingling where his breath puffs over it. I bury my face against his throat and I inhale - long and deeply - until he pulls us apart again. "I can't even imagine what it must have been like," he confesses. I nod again, regretting him stepping back and feeling a chill settle over me. "I haven't even lost a cat.." He rambles then seems to realize the inappropriateness of it and rolls his eyes at himself, "actually, I've never had a cat.." He shuts up suddenly after that, wrapping his arms across his own chest tightly as he turns from me. 

I shrug and stare at the back of his head. "That's because you're allergic to them.." I say. He swings around to face me so fast he almost falls over. 

"You remember that?" 

I nod now. "I remember a .. lot.. of things," I tell him, hoping there's enough in my voice to get him to talk to me about this. 

He blinks as he tells me, hesitantly, "so do I."

I catch my voice in the sudden inhale of air. "I thought, after I'd lost Charlie, that I was cursed - like one of your damn Egyptian Mummies."

Daniel smiles slightly then blinks as he lowers his eyes to the floor. "I didn't know you believed in such things, Jack." 

"Normally I don't..." 

He looks up and nods, then his eyes dart around the room before settling back onto me again. "But you needed some reason for it all, huh?"

I nod. "Kinda." 

He's chewing on his bottom lip as he crosses his arms over his chest once more. "Only, sometimes there are no reasons..." 

"There's always reasons.."

With a shake of his head he says, "then perhaps there's no explanations .."

I nod. "Maybe," I say, lowering my eyes from his. 

"Just curses.." His voice is so abrogating that I look up again into wide, misty blue eyes. 

"*If* you believe in that kind of thing," I mumbled. 

"Well, I do," he snorts softly as he rubs his hand beneath his nose before tucking it back under his armpit. "I'm an archaeologist.. it comes with the territory."

"Ah huh." I rock on the balls of my feet now as I shrug. "I'm an O'Neill. It kinda comes with the territory, too."

He smiles now, broadly, and then his tongue comes out to swipe his lips. "So why is that then?"

I roll my eyes as I go to the window and, brushing the brittle curtain aside, I look out into the highway and the headlights of the cars passing by on it. "O'Neill's are notorious for being unlucky in life, but mostly, in love."

"Ah," Daniel's voice gains some lightness now. "I'm sure Sara would love to hear that."

"Oh, she knows, especially now," I comment then I give a quick jerk of my head at the pessimism in my voice. Trying to lighten up again I say, "She's always known. She'd just laugh and say that we were the O'Neill's to break the mould.." I flinch as the headlights of a car pulling into the Motel shines on me. Ducking away from the window I turn to face him now. His mouth is parted slightly and his lips look moist. "But we're not. Odd that we're discussing bad luck because it's been thirteen years of it for her."

"I doubt she'll agree to that, Jack, there must have been good times, too."

I nod. "There were, but not lately." I go over to my bed and pick up my coat. I retrieve the cigarettes from a pocket and step out the door, leaving him inside. 

*

I'm almost finished when he joins me out there, perching himself onto the railing and turning his face towards the road. It's dark in the corner of the world where we are. The roadside hotel is right on the outskirts of the town, facing north, so there are no road lights nearby. Cars travel pass but their headlights don't shine into the yard at all. No interior lights are on in any of the other rooms either. There is, however, a faint glow from the overhead marquee that lights Daniel just enough for me to see his face faintly. I look at the line of his profile, the shape of his Adam's Apple, etched in the shadows. Wind puffs at his long hair, and he closes his eyes for a moment. God, he has no idea how beautiful he is!

He sighs then turns to look at me and smiles, even if it's a sad smile. "In the beginning I kept seeing you about the place. In the faces in the street. It took me such a long time to realize you were really gone..."

I swallow and lower my face. The pain in his voice is hard enough to bear, without seeing the look on his face, too. I note a slight change in his tone now, it's a little edgier whereas it had been wistful a minute ago.

"And so I finished my degree and moved on. I went back home for a while, but then I tried standing on my own feet, only to discover that no one, not even my own tutor, believed in my theories. Stephen began to resent me and that resent turned to hate..."

"Who's Stephen?" 

Daniel sighs, somewhat dramatically. "He and I were assistants to Professor Jordan, my archaeology professor, and then Sarah rounded out the absurd triangle perfectly." There's a chuckle in his voice though when he tilts his head back and slots his eyes to look at me as he remarks, "Stephen fancied her, she fancied me and I fancied Stephen." He rolls his eyes slightly as he sits forward.

I note casually that he's had a Sarah in his life too, though not to the extent that I had had one in mine. Still, the coincidence was interesting, to say the least about it. However, as he had no interest in her, my immediate attention was focused on the one he did have an interest in.. this Stephen guy..

"So you and Stephen were..?" I probe, trying to sound casual. 

He laughs, like it was a joke. "Oh no, no, no, no..." He shakes his head then chuckles some more to himself. I don't quite see the joke myself, but I guess it was a good one! "It was a disaster from the start," he tells me as he drags one knee to his chest now before he looks back at the passing car lights. There's such sadness, such melancholy in his voice, I want to reach out and touch him, to give him some kind of comfort, but it's not what he needs. I'm sure he doesn't need the man that stuffed it all up for him years ago trying to console himself now with a touch. What Daniel needs, I decide, is the truth. 

"Daniel, I'm sorry..."

"Don't be, Jack. It not like it's your fault.."

"If I hadn't left like that.. If I hadn't done.. to you what I did to you .. well, you'd probably trust people more and you wouldn't have... "

"Hey.." Daniel's face swings around to me now. "What you 'did' to me...?" He queries. 

I gulp back a breath then bounce on my feet again. "Yeah," I say sadly, "What I *did* to you."

He shifts one leg off the railing now, dropping it to the floor where his heel thumps in the still night air. "You did nothing to me.. Jack. Nothing.. but show me what it was like to be loved..." His voice is low and hushed, probably so that the neighbors couldn't hear. Not that there were any neighbors, mind you!

"For one night?" I snort.

"No!" He fidgets on the rail now like he doesn't seem to know what to do with his hands. Quickly he gets up, his mouth pulled into a tight line as he frowns at me. Grabbing my sleeve he directs me back into our room and shuts the door carefully. 

"Look," he starts even before he's turned around to face me. He stands before me now, one hand on his hip and his weight onto one foot as he bows his head. With a quick scratch of his thumb across his jaw line he says to me in a tight voice, "I know this is all behind you.... now. You married, you fathered a child - I'm sure having an ex-lover, a *male* ex-lover, come back into your life was the last thing you expected.... Maybe even a little embarrassing for you-" I go to protest but he holds a hand up, silencing me. "Jack, I saw it.. I saw the way you dipped your face when I mentioned it..." 

"When?" I'm confused. When did I seem embarrassed by the memory of what we shared. How the hell did I make him think that when it was so far from the truth? I'm angry at how I ended it, but I'm not embarrassed by him..

"Huh?" His head lifts, his glasses are perched half-way down his nose. 

"I'm not embarrassed.." I say as succinctly as I can. 

He shakes his head and lowers his face again. "It's not important. I just want to say - and we *never* have to discuss this again, okay-" He meets my eyes again as he makes that point very clear to me. I wonder if he doesn't want to discuss it again, or he thinks that I don't. He continues before I can ask him about that; "but what we did that night..." he sighs and grows wistful again, "Jack, that wasn't a one night thing for me. It was the culmination of months of deep friendship... I thought you felt that too..?"

I nod. I did. "But the fact I ran out on you like that has stuffed up your trust now.."

He frowns at me as he says softly, "I'm not sure I follow you here..?"

"You said it yourself. You don't trust people.."

"When?"

"At dinner."

He frowns even more. "No, I didn't.."

"Yes, you did.."

"No, I didn't.."

"Yes! You said that it was your fault your relationships failed. That you were never really there.. now, if that isn't because you were guarding your heart against getting hurt again.. I don't know what is!"

He laughs, shaking his head slightly. "Is that what you thought I meant?"

"Yeah," I say, hesitantly slipping my hands into my pant pockets now. I frown at him as he smirks and licks his lips once more. "Not what you meant, huh?" I ask him. 

He shakes his head as he goes over and shrugs off his coat before he sits down on the end of the bed. 

"As far as my relationships went, it really was just that old cliché of the ones that liked me, I didn't like, and the ones I liked...." He pauses as he leans back onto his outstretched arms while our eyes meet in the dim lamplight, "well, they go off and get married and..." He deliberately leaves it off there and even attempts to smile at me, but I can see it's an embarrassed smile. When I don't respond he sits up quickly, lacing his hands together as he hunches himself forward. "So I guess you can now see why I can't work on this project, Jack.." 

I instinctually shake my head as I say, "I can't see why.."

With a snort, he rises to his feet and presses past me. "Think about it.."

I stare at his back, broader than I recall it being now that he's finally removed that damn coat of his. "I'm thinking..." I say and I hear a soft explosion of laughter from him. When he turns around his face is brighter with a smile. 

"That's the Jack O'Neill I know and..." He stops then wets his lips as he tries to twist from my scrutiny. 

I know the ending of that cliché... Know and *love*... Like a bolt it's finally hit me. This kid was somehow still in love with me? Even after everything I did to him?

"Danny," I say as I cross the room to stand before him. 

"Stupid having a crush all this time, huh?" Even though he wears a shy smile he mutters this ashamedly as he finally meets my eyes. 

// Crush?// 

He goes on without stopping; "I recall reading somewhere that you never really forget your first love.." He's over by the television now, trying to drive his thumbnail into the top of the wooden box. "I guess it's just that, huh?"

"I guess..." I say cautiously. I'm not sure what he wants here, what it is he's saying to me. "But I wasn't your first love, was I?" I says hesitantly, unsure if I'm getting everything all screwed up here and if he's about to laugh his ass off when he suddenly realizes what I think he's trying to tell me. When he looks at me with sad, questioning eyes though, I'm sure I'm not too far off the mark so I clarify my question to him, "Mrs. Robinson..?" I shrug, still hoping I'm not making a fool of myself here. 

He blinks quickly then looks down at where he's still trying to screw his thumbnail into the top of the television casing. "She wasn't my first *love*, Jack.."

The breath stalls in my throat. I hear the blood pulsing in my ears and my heart starts to race behind my ribs as I realize that all that I had to walk away from all those years ago was still in this man before me, embroiled within his thoughts and everyday actions. 

He twitches a little then stands up straighter, folding his arms over his chest as he tries to gallantly meet my eyes with a jut of his chin. He fails too quickly and looks away as he chews on his bottom lip tenaciously. I step closer and he suddenly jerks back to look at me. He looks scared in his eyes: fear - it's all I see - and it reminds me of standing outside the lecture hall with him thirteen years ago. 

"I'm sorry I hurt you," I tell him, trying to sound as gentle as I want to be at this moment. I note he swallows as his Adam's Apple bobs quickly. 

"I could have coped.." His throbbing whisper hisses on his lips, "I.. I was coping... but seeing you again.." He gives a soft laugh like he's defeated and then mutters, as he looks around at the floor, and I'm not sure why - probably just to avoid my eyes right now as he says, "I always held this hope, this 'romantic' hope, foolish huh! We'd meet again and things could be.. like they were..." He's met my eyes again, but he's blinking and I see the pain it's causing for him to be this honest with me. A sad smile twitches across his face. "But you've definitely moved on, huh? Got married, had a child... My first thought was how embarrassing it must be for you now, having an ex-lover return to ruin your life.." 

I frown. How could he think I'd be embarrassed by him? 

"Then when you told me you'd called your child Charlie I thought.. for a split second.. that maybe it was... because of .. me..." He shrugs then dips his face with embarrassment then he speaks again, in a more aloof tone now. "But I see it was Sara's idea, not yours.." I swallow and watch as he shakes his head slowly, desolation overcoming him finally. 

//Oh, Danny!//

"When Sara came to me, seven months into the pregnancy and told me she wanted to name the kid Charles..." I catch my breath as his sad blue eyes fix onto me again. "I didn't object, Danny.." I tell him softly, hoping that meant something to him at least. He nods but says nothing and I feel compelled to be brutally honest with him. "Of course the name made me think of you, brought back everything we shared - not just that night but for the whole few months.... and for a short while, they were good memories - *great* memories!" I see a faint twitch of a smile in the corners of his mouth now and I lower my eyes so I can't see the pain my next honest tirade will inflict on him. 

"But after Charlie was born things changed. *I* changed, and my fathering instincts kicked in. It all just compounded my guilt about how I treated you that night and brought it to a level I could barely contain..." I sigh then lower my face as I try to keep my voice even. "And babies have a way of helping you forget things..." I look up into his quizzical blue eyes and I hate myself for what I'm about to say to him. "They help you.. forget.." 

He understands me, I can see it in the little twitches across his face now as he begins to turn from me. He's shaking his head, his mouth tight as he bites back his emotions. "Nice to be so easily .. forgotten.." 

"Aw, geez, Danny, what the hell was I meant to do?" I pleaded with him. He shrugs like he has no idea. Perhaps I shouldn't have been so damn honest with him, but what kind of friendship would it be then? "I couldn't carry you in my heart forever.."

"I did!" He snaps then bites his lips together before turning away again. He tosses his hand in the air then lets it slap against his thigh as he steps into the kitchen part of our cheap Motel room. I let him have his distance, pitiful that it is, but it's what he needs and I don't want to encroach on him. In a rush he stomps from the kitchenette and, in one fluid move, he's snatched up his coat and reached the door before I can even react. My hand goes over his on the door knob and he yanks his hand free, like I've just scolded him. 

Through clenched teeth I say one word, "Please..."

He blinks as he searches my face and then he steps away from the door, circling me widely as he goes back to the bed. I flick the lock on before stepping away from the door myself. 

Rubbing my hands over my face I start to pace, trying to work through the emotions rising within me. I'm stupefied to think that this gorgeous man could still want me.. after all these years and even looking, now, as I look. He watches me pace and he does not looking happy at all. I realize that's all my fault. I'm not conveying my feelings properly here. It's hard. It's not something I'm good at - or haven't been good at for thirteen years now. With Sara, while it was good between us, it was easy. But when things went rough, neither of us could express ourselves properly, which probably led to the huge breakdown in communication over the past year. 

"I'm sorry Jack," he mumbles after a long silence between us. I stop pacing and look at him. He lifts his face. "I shouldn't have snapped like that. I'm tired and.."

"You were being honest, Daniel. What's wrong with admitting to that, for crying out loud!"

He sucks back a tired sigh then shrugs. 

I squat before him and he seems a little surprised by that action. I grip the bed either side of him as I look up into his eyes. "I think being honest is what it's all about here, isn't it? I mean, I've been honest with you, and I'm sorry it's hurt you but .."

He nods then a slow, sad smile creeps over his face. "Now *that's* the Jack I know.. and love.. too." He wets his lips nervously as he cringes a little, whispering, "sorry," as he diverts his eyes. 

I arch my brow and realize that I might still have a chance of salvaging this with him. I sigh as I rise to my feet and sit beside him on the bed end. He shifts slightly so that he can see me next to him. 

My voice is hoarse as I swallow back my emotions and begin, "Thirteen years ago I *had* to walk away from you - I had no choice. It was my job and my duty. And at the time it damn near broke my heart, Danny..." 

I hear his soft inhale now and I see the confusion lift in his eyes a little. My heart races as I hope I'm saying the right things to him now. "And now, well, now my loyalty to my duty has brought you back into my life..." 

He blinks and I confess, "For the past year I was not a soldier. I was de-activated after Charlie's death. I just couldn't cope. I completely lost it..." 

He swallows and nods but says nothing. 

I move away from him, rising to my feet so that I can't see the horror in his eyes now as I tell him, "and five hours ago I was sitting in Charlie's bedroom, my gun in my hand..." 

"Oh.. god.." He gasps softly then I feel him behind me, his body lightly brushing the back of mine. I turn to him slowly and I see absolution in his eyes, for everything 'we'd' been through, because of this confession. 

I wasn't after his pity. I had a distinct reason for telling him this story so I continue to tell him, "but at that moment two officers visited me to *inform* me that I was reactivated for duty..." 

My voice starts to crack on the last few words and I feel him shuffling slightly. I wonder if he's trying to ascertain if I want or need some kind of physical comfort right now. I do, but he has to make that decision for himself. The timing has to be right for both of us. 

I hear how shaky my voice is as I continue to speak, through clenched teeth, "And I got up, like the good damn soldier that I am and I went down those stairs and I stopped and looked at Sara by the door. I knew if I went through that door there was nothing to come home to. But I still went.." I inhale noisily and it sounds something like a sob. 

His lips don't move but I'm sure I hear him softly sigh my name, then he touches me. It's a simple touch, but my heart has stopped beating, if only for a second until I get used to the fact that he's touching me again, his eyes filled with compassion .. and love. His hand cups the back of my head and I feel his fingers rub my short hair as he silently comforts me. I lower my eyes as I say, in a voice barely louder than a whisper, "And I pulled out of the driveway, with her on the front step - and I felt 'nothing'...." I look up, straight into the shimmering pools of blue. "I felt nothing..."

His face folds in a frown then he pulls me closer. For a moment I think he's going to kiss me but he pulls me into a hug instead, and his breath puffs against my ear lightly. My whole body tingles, whether from the cathartic emotion outburst I'd just gone through, or the fact that he was holding me once more - I couldn't be sure. My arms finally move, engulfing him in a tight embrace as I bury my face against the bend of his neck and shoulder. He shifts to accommodate the hug even more and I'm grateful for his strength, his compassion at this moment. All the while, I feel his fingertips rubbing small circles in my short cropped hair. 

"Oh.. God.. Danny!" I grip him as tight as I can now and I hear the wheeze of breath forcibly expelled from him. 

"Shh.." He coos softly "It's alright Jack.." His jaw is gently nudging the side of my face now and I sigh as I gather him even closer. 

"No - it's not.." I mumble. He grips my face in his hands and pull me back. I'm reluctant to go but he's stronger than he looks and he hold me out where he can see the tears in my eyes now. He says nothing, but he folds me into his arms, pressing me against his chest once more. I feel safe, at last. 

I go on. "When I arrived at the Mountain, I was cold. Right to my bone. It wasn't until I saw your name on a file on my desk..." I shiver and his hand slips from my head onto my back, where he rubs me a little with his warm palm. I tilt my head back enough so that I can now look into his eyes. "Then I started to feel warm again.. and I realized what had happened... Fate was bringing us together - again."

He frowns a little then I confess, "I didn't carry you in my heart Danny, but my sub-conscious never forgot you. I can't explain it... but seeing you again, it's unlocked something I didn't realize I'd locked away..."

He wets his lips then says, in a soft, husky voice, "I used to think of our relationship as being a summer spent in a garden." I must look skeptical for he dips his face slightly and laughs gently before adding, "Forgive my romanticism, Jack, but I felt warm and safe whenever I thought of you. When you went away that night I felt like someone had locked that garden away and only you and I had the key. I couldn't return there without you.."

I roll my eyes and mutter, "Only I'd lost the damn key.."

He smiles sadly. "Misplaced it. Couldn't remember where you'd put it, but.." His thumb swipes a wayward tear that squeezed out of the corner of my eye now. "I think you realize now, you always had it.."

I swallow. Christ, that was romanticized, but, sheesh! So damn accurate! He seems to read my mind and he laughs louder this time. 

"Yeah, I know, that was bad.. but give me a break, I was eighteen!"

I smile at him and I touch my hand to his face for the first time in the way that I *want* to touch my hand to his face. We fall silent immediately and he seems to be holding his breath. 

"Breath, Danny.." I smile at him. 

"I don't think .. I can..." Then he laughs and looks at me again. "Well, okay, yes I can..."

I laugh too. 

He draws back a soft breath then begins to tell me, "When you were in that room, barking at us all..." We both laugh softly now. "I didn't really recognize you. Once you left I asked Dr Langford who you were and she told me. You have no idea the thoughts that went through my head when I walked towards your office.."

"Some .. idea.." I comment with a shrug. He smiles at me then nods. 

"Yeah, I guess you do. When you told me you were married now, and about Charlie, I just.. I realized how much you'd moved on from what we'd shared. I felt, to be honest, embarrassed. Not only for me, but for you. I thought I was probably this dirty secret that you would hate to get out - to your military friends or your wife..." Shaking my head at that suggestion I reach for, and pick up, his hand. Our fingers entwine as he continues, "The last thing I meant for you to think was that you'd *ruined* me.."

I roll my eyes and he grips my cheek, forcing me to look at him. "Don't you remember what we said to each other that day? Jack, you didn't 'steal' anything from me.. I just wish you'd believe that now!"

I shake my head as my hand cups his cheek too. "You were so young," I murmur and he nudges my hand. 

"And you were so wonderful. .. and that was the reason no other relationship worked for me - they weren't *you*." I swallow when I hear the thickness in his voice now. 

"We've wasted so much time," I tell him. 

He smiles then kisses the base of my thumb. "I have, maybe, but you certainly didn't." It was true. I couldn't say that I regretted it - because of Charlie - but I was glad I had this second chance, at last! 

I tilt his face up slightly then I hold his gaze a long moment until I can't wait any longer. I close the space between us, allowing his face to grow blurry but never taking my eyes off him, for fear he would vanish the moment I did. 

His lips are soft and moist - just as I remember them being. His tongue, hesitant, tentative, prods my lips seeking permission to enter - which I grant immediately. With a low moan at the base of his throat, Daniel shifts closer to me, drawing me against his firm body now, his arms encircling me tightly. 

I'm lost in the mere act of kissing him. I'd forgotten what it felt like to have every nerve, every cell of your body electrified just by this simple act. He's doing that right now. I've never felt so alive, so on fire. His face tilts against mine, his tongue tumbles across mine and slips under it. My groin twitches as my locked memories flood forth. He moans again, and I'm sure it's in response to my twitch. I force one twitch now, just to check his reaction and I feel his moan against my lips once more. I smile against his lips and he bows his head, breaking our kiss as he steps back from me. 

I stare at him and I'm a little confused, a little out of breath and a lot aroused. He's wiping his bottom lip with his thumb then he turns side on to me as he says, "This isn't so wise.. is it?"

I raise my eyebrows as I tilt my face. "What?" So wise? This is *all* I want - what the hell does wisdom have to do with it?

He swallows then rolls a hand between us as he says, in a soft voice, "you're a Colonel and married man now, Jack..."

"Yeah.... So?" 

With a small laugh, I think it's at himself, Daniel shrugs then leans himself back to sit against the cupboard the television is on as his hands grip the edge either side of his thighs. I step over his outstretched legs to stand, straddled, before him. I cup his chin in my hand and lift his face. "If you think I'm gonna let you go again, you can damn well think again, Daniel.."

He blinks but says nothing. Suddenly his eyes dart around the room before looking back at me. I smile. He's so damn cute! "And your .. wife... ?" He tilts his head now. 

"I doubt she's still there.." I tell him honestly. 

He nods then gets up and moves away from me. "So, when I was no longer there.. you picked up with her.. and now that she's no longer..."

"Oh, for crying out loud!" I hiss. 

"No!" He yells at me now, the veins on his throat standing out against the red flesh. He holds a finger up between us as he says to me, "Jack, I can't.. . with the way my life is going at the moment.. I can't... do ... this.." 

I'm not sure what words I want to use at the moment, and everything falls from my lips like a jumbled mess. "Do what? You just told me.."

He jabs the air with that finger between us again as he bites his lips together firmly. After a quick swallow he says, in a voice raspier than I was expecting, "Jack, I accepted you walking out on me the first time.. but it's me I won't forgive if I put myself through that again.. can't you see?" 

"It's not gonna happen!" I argue passionately and he throws his head back in a scoff.

"How can you be sure you won't be posted somewhere else *tomorrow*..." He blurts out and I think he's surprised himself as much as me with the passionate outburst. He catches his breath then drags his eyes from mine as he turns side on to me and lowers his face. 

I nod. It's a valid fear, I know that. I can't promise him it won't happen again, because, knowing the military, it just might. There's only one thing I can promise him. I step closer and I turn him back around to face me. Slowly his eyes lift to meet mine. 

"They won't separate us before this is over," I tell him and he nods like he agrees to that, so I go on, "I'm not sure how long this will take but let's just enjoy it while it lasts..."

Rolling his eyes he sighs. "And if I'm not ready to let you go at the end of it?"

I laugh. "You'll probably be glad to see the back end of me.."

He smiles then it twists into a slightly smutty smirk. I understand his thoughts and then we both laugh. "You know what I mean," I say, nudging him gently. 

He nods then his smile fades slightly as he asks, "What if I'm not though?"

"What if I'm not..?" I add. He shrugs. I cup his jaw lightly as I say to him, in all honesty, "while we're happy, they won't separate us.."

He frowns slightly. "How can you be sure, though," he asks, and I think he really needs a proper answer, not some romanticized promise.

"Because I'll resign before they do that to us....this time."

He blinks. "Jack?"

I shake my head. "I'm not making false promises here, Danny. I meant what I said, I'm not letting you go again!"

"But you're married.. what about Sara?"

I swallow. How can I explain that I now realize that the past thirteen years, and all the good things that came out of it, were all built on the husk of a dead heart? I just smile as I brush my thumb across his bottom lip. "You worry about that thing back at the base...."

"The Stargate.." he tells me. I frown and he shrugs. "That's what it's called, the Stargate. I worked it out for them tonight. They had the translations all wrong." 

"Well anyway," I say with an uncertain nod, "you worry about this... stargate.. and try to work out the secrets of it..." I lean forward and kiss his mouth softly. In response his hands touch my butt ever-so-lightly and my body erupts in gooseflesh at his mere touch. I pull back and watch him slowly open his eyes and we both smile now. "And I'll worry about Sara..."

He nods. I caress his cheek with my thumb as I stare into his azure eyes again then I tell him, "and if this thing goes on a while, what say you and I, both strangers in this town, share a place together.... to cut costs..."

He grins at me now, a little wantonly, as he says, "to cut costs, huh? Sounds .. good to me.."

I nod and then stroke his mouth tenderly before I lean in until we almost touch. "Oh, and one more thing..." 

"Yeah, Jack?" he asks, his lips hovering against mine. The anticipation in his voice is audible. 

"Take your time with this Stargate thing and we *could* be in for a long ride....."

He chuckles softly against my lips. "Long ride.. huh? So long as it beats taking the bus.." 

"Hey," I say nonchalantly, "catching a bus has it's advantages...." 

He sucks back a breathy sigh. "I know..." Then he closes the gap and I kiss him, as gently as I can for a long as I can. 

And I intend to go on kissing him.. for a very long time... so let's hope this ride *is* a long one!

The end.

* * *

Authors notes: Although it occurred to me that this might lend itself beautifully to a follow up (ie: what happened between Jack and Daniel that makes Daniel remain behind on Abydos? Even Jack's parting words to him - "You going to be alright?" and Daniel's response of "Yeah, I think I am..." (words to that effect.. sorry not watching it at the moment!) gave me the thought that something had happened between them.. perhaps they just realized what they had thirteen years ago wasn't enough and Jack realized that the military was still his mistress - therefore they would never have survived - hence, prompting Daniel to remain with a promise of love instead. I could so easily see that but, you know? I'm way too lazy to write it :) Sorry.. but if you were thinking along those terms, it might help you to realize that so was I? If you want to write it... write to me and we'll discuss it - you won't be the first to write a 'companion piece' to something I've penned!   
  
Regards, Nessessitee.... 

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End file.
